a man walks into a var...
By Mark Daniell
18/06/2018
A man walks into a VAR… I’d like to tell you how that joke ends but I can’t because we weren’t allowed to see the replays. You see, that’s a good account of VAR because no one really understands what it means and it’s not funny. As far as I can tell, Pavon was fouled in the area, the replays show a clear penalty, but because the ref didn’t give it first time round, it doesn’t count. So then what’s the point of a Video Assisted Referee? Mark Clattenberg doesn’t know, so what’s the point of him? But let’s not get bogged down, Messi would doubtless have missed that penalty too, so it wouldn’t have made a difference. More importantly, Pavon looked good, and he should start the next match ahead of Di Maria (just putting that out there in case you’re reading these things again, Sampaoli. Samps. I call him Samps.)
Anyway, since then, Switzerland did an Iceland on Brazil, Iran are topping the group with Spain and Portugal, and Germany lost! So, you know, madness!
But let’s catch up with the young viewers predictions:
Who’s going to win between Argentina and Iceland?
3 year old: the middle one.
Who’s going to win between Costa Rica and Serbia?
7 year old: Siberia.
Again, both right. A draw and recognition that all regions of Russia benefit from the World Cup tourist dollar. We’re going to have to start backing these kids with some cash.
Also nice to see a return of the good old BBC v ITV World Cup rivalry, a contest neatly expressed in the fashion clash of Cesc Fabregas’s clean white shirt vs Ian Wright’s nuclear lime monstrosity with Percy Pig motif.
BBC 0 – 1 ITV
It’s early days of course, but the ITV crew look like they’re having more fun. Bilic and Wrighty are just happy to be employed, Gary Neville clearly feels like the smart one and Roy “The Incredible” Keane is quietly keeping his anger simmering under control for the safety of all around him.
Meanwhile chez BBC, Jonathan Pierce went stat heavy. We all like a few stats thrown into the mix JP, but let’s keep them light yeah? (JP definitely reads these. I call him JP.) Who really cares about number of completed passes from defence in the qualifying stages? No one. Keep the facts, but make them fun facts, like you know, when you mix together all the colours of the Mexican flag you get brown, that’s a fun fact. Switzerland is pink though. What do you think about that JP?
Kit of the weekend:
Germany have joined the retro theme and harked back to Italia 90 (when they were West Germany and prone to falling over at extremely mild challenges in the box. Not bitter.) It’s cool and all, but somewhat symbolically, it now has a big golden World Cup trophy sticker in the middle of the chest that slowly peeled off under the Mexican heatwave.
Name of the Weekend
Tony Kroos
As in: When he’s on the pull, where does Tony Kroos? Where else could Tony Kroos? M&S lingerie department on a dine-in for £10 Friday. Easy pickings.
Haircut of the weekend:
Boateng’s Cirrus cloud vs Neymar’s Capello di Neymar pasta. It’s too early to call for the cup, but the neymacelli has the early lead.
Moment of the weekend:
Patrice Evra reveals innate sexism by applauding his fellow (female) pundit’s analysis, not because he’s a douchebag, but because he’s genuinely impressed that a woman can talk in sentences. Now, before we get all Guardian on Patrice, let’s remember that he’s a footballer and he’s French. The fact that his audio range even picked up that a woman was talking should be applauded.
Goal of the weekend:
Coutinho’s long range effort is tasty, but the prize goes to Cristiano Ronaldo for his last minute free kick peach to draw with Spain. Made all the better by the fact that it was a hat trick goal, he’d never scored a World Cup free kick, and that both his big rivals, when faced with equally critical last gasp free kicks later in the weekend, didn’t come close. Tip of the cap to this guy.
But enough weekend chat. From lunchtime onwards it’s all about Harry’s Kane’s England. Now, there’s been a lot of jabber about England camp camaraderie, a lack of pressure, playing for the love of playing and blah… Of course, as with any team of multimillionaire athletes, there should be some expectation, and I notice even the shitty little van-flags have started popping up again. But let’s not get carried away just yet. Tunisia don’t ship many goals, and before you go Betfairing on a 5-0 trouncing, remember: Argentina, Spain, Germany and Brazil all would have happily settled for a tame 1-0 win.
And just for fun, how many games do you see England playing this World Cup? (minimum: 3 maximum: 7)