And That's That

By Mark Daniell

12/07/2010

And that's the end of that... Happily, as is always the case in the aftermath of a World Cup final, there have been a lot of platitudes about 'the best team having won' and 'football being the real winner here' which is reassuring if mildly contradictory. Then again, commentators have to say that stuff because commentators are little more than prostitutes to those little stars sewn on with lightning speed to players' shirts.

But were the Dutch as negative as everyone is spouting? So they kicked the Spanish about a bit, what's wrong with that? Everybody knows that unless you kick the Spanish about a bit they end up passing the ball around their midfield for sixty five minutes, scoring a tap-in, then passing it around for the remaining half hour. Clearly that's no fun for anyone, least of all the spectators, and there's only one way to stop it. And Holland very nearly did. Maybe it was a bit rough, but they had a gameplan that effectively snubbed out the Spanish threat and gave them several good opportunities to steal the trophy, and when in the 63rd minute, no-man-is-an-island Arjen Robben broke free it looked like buenas noches Espana. But Casillas did what was asked with what was probably the most important contribution by any Spanish player in the final, and Spain are world champions. Now after winning it three times, the soubriquet of "World Cup Underachievers" is Holland's for good, which means we're going to have to think of a new label for teams that can't win. How about England? ho ho ho.

Other notable awards include: 

Golden Boot: Thomas Muller, for his combined tally of goals and assists.

Golden Ball: Diego Forlan, for being the only player to be able to strike the Jabulani ball and oh so nearly winning the golden boot outright with his last kick of the tournament.

Golden Glove: Iker Casillas, just because the only other team with a comparable defensive record is New Zealand, and no one knows their keeper's name.

Golden Shutting The Gate After The Horse Has Bolted Award: Sepp Blatter, for his consoling words about "re-opening" the investigation into goalline technology after Lamps's phantom goal.

Golden Fuck You World: Jacob Zuma, for inviting Robert Mugabe to the final and soiling what had been a politically spotless tournament.

Golden Chantilly Mohican: Djibril Cisse

Golden Mic: Mick McCarthy, and in fact most of the English commentators, for simultaneously gloating and moaning about being in South Africa for the World Cup. 

Golden Stewie from Family Guy Lookalike: Mesut Ozil.

Golden Pantomime Villains: Mark Van Bommel, Luis Suarez and Portugal (just because).

Golden Buddha: Maradona, for keeping us all sane over the past month.

And that's that. Spain have a shirtstar, Holland are World Cup Underachievers TM, Football is the real winner here and South Africa have in no way bankrupt themselves. The good news is that this time next year we have the Copa America in Argentina, where with any luck they might just use a ball that weighs a bit more than a child's balloon.