Another One Bites The Dust

By Mark Daniell

24/06/2014

Right well there were results to talk about, last minute penalties and obviously a hot-footing fantuti table that is shifting about like a fat man on a long haul economy flight, but none of that matters when put in contrast with the big story of the day: Luis ‘the teeth’ Suarez has done it again and taken a chomp, an unprovoked chomp mind, out of a rival footballer. Now there are three possible explanations for this unsavoury snacking: a) he likes the taste of footballers, (which is understandable since, in fairness, the Italians are known to smother themselves in pesto before a game and who doesn’t enjoy a bowl of Chiellini alla Genovese?) b) He’s got a short fuse and like a child uses a biting reflex to express disapproval (in which case apparently you have to bite him back) or c) he’s a secret agent operating on a secret agenda and nobody knows what’s going on. For all we know, every time he bites a player he somehow prevents an intergalactic invasion (in which case we should probably all shut up about it and let him get on with things).

But which is it? a) b) or c)? I don’t know, maybe the BBC has an array of pundits who can shed some light on things. Let’s have a gander:

Gary (opening the show): “It was quite incredulous!”

Ok, so you may criticise, but let’s be fair, who hasn’t themselves been so incredulous of an event that grammar goes out the window? I know I am!

Alan: “It’s, it’s, it’s unbelievable.”

Classic ‘grammatically accurate but dull’ Alan. Fortunately we have Robbie to clear things up:

Robbie: “He should never play international football again.”

There you go. Robbie ‘Libertarian’ Savage speaks his brains and the verdict is cast.

Now, to some, his sentencing might seem a tad harsh, but that’s probably because you haven’t taken the time to analyse things thoroughly. Don’t worry though, the Beeb’s got your back and clears up the confusion thanks to the inventive inclusion of Danny Murphy on the pundits’ bench.

Danny: “I think there’s something not quite right with him,” he twiddles his hand next to his head. “I mean that in the nicest way.”

So there you have it, the sagest council of judges you’re likely to see assembled at one prop desk, casts judgement and settles on a verdict of crime passionnel. And just in case you think that two skinheads and a lion might not offer El Chompo the right amount of empathy, bear in mind what Robbie says next:

Robbie (explaining his sentence of a lifetime ban without possibility of appeal): “When you think of the handball on the line at the last World Cup, that’s acceptable, cos everybody would do that.” He points at the screen, winces and shakes his mane in disgust. “Not that.”

So from where we stand, it’s a done deal. England, Italy and Suarez are all out of the World Cup. Which leaves us where exactly? Who are you going to support? Well I’ve discussed this with a fair few punters and only one truth comes out: You can’t lie to yourself. Don’t pretend that you’re supporting the Dutch, or Argentina, just because you’re a fan of a particular football style, or one player. Such allegiances are less than skin-deep and make you seem like the German fan who smuggles himself into the middle of a bunch of Greek ladies after a late winner. Much better to trust your instincts: they tell you what’s what. When somebody asks you which team you’d like to win, simply tell the truth: You don’t know yet. But when a goal is conceded and you cheer involuntarily, you’ll at least know who you want to lose... Then by process of elimination, whoever’s left is your proxy team. (Chances are it’s Colombia, I know I am!)