Arise England Legends
By Mark Daniell
24/06/2010
So there are lots of things to talk about but really they are all distractions: the real beef is that England play Germany on Sunday at 3 p.m. And that’s great news. Why? Well, here’s seven good reasons:
1. It really is good news by the way, England vs Germany is what the World Cup is all about. It’s not about drawing 0-0 with Algeria, it’s not about scrappy but effective wins over small Slavic countries, it’s about the big games. Mexico 86, Italy 90 and France 98: what do you remember? Do you remember the nil nil draw with Morocco, the massive one nil against Egypt or the bone-crushing two nil destruction of Tunisia? No, of course not. You remember The Hand of God, Waddle’s penalty or Owen’s impossi-goal. That’s what you remember. Going out to Portugal after a weak 0-0 performance is a waste of everyone’s time. Frankly the groups stages are just the preamble. The World Cup starts in earnest when Blighty take on the Krauts.
2. England can be relied on to put in a miracle performance at least once in a blue moon. I’m talking England 4 -1 Holland, or Germany 1 - 5 England. If there’s one thing we can do it’s give ourselves false hope. Currently national expectation is in danger of flagging, cue a phenomenal win and insane delusions that will poison the minds of a generation.
3. In the word of Kevin Keegan, this Germany side are “beatable”. Clearly the man has done his homework: Serbia beat them last week. How? Well, mainly thanks to a controversial red and a missed penalty, two things which traditionally go against England, but that’s not the point. The point is, Germany were beaten. That means although they’re still Germany, with strong attacking potential and a dangerous creative midfielder in Mezut Ozil (we want to watch that one, he’s having a good tournament) they’re not Germany Germany. They’re not the efficient machine that crushes all before them. They’re fast-paced, fluid and prone to defensive frailties. They’ll score goals, but unlike the Germanys of old, they’ll leak them too. This has all the hallmarks of an awesome clash.
4. There shouldn’t be any choking or nerves or confusion. Most of these players will be familiar foes to the England team, after all the Champions League has thrown them together on plenty of occasions and we know how they operate. No longer do we have to pick the lock of a ‘Five-At-The-Back’ defence or remember how to pass da ball. This is old school, and Stevie G was conceived in the old school. Also, there’s no shame any more. You lose to Germany you join a pantheon of greats. Lineker, Shilton, Shearer, even Paul Ince. Not to mention basically the whole of the 1966 winning team who flopped in 1970 to Gerd Muller. Losing to Germany is like the first time you vom from drinking too much: it hurts and it’s embarrassing, but you’re with the rest of the gang now.
5. We should embrace penalties. Mathew Upson? Who? Just you wait. When Mathew Upson misses the crucial penalty on Sunday evening he’ll become a national treasure. Admittedly it’ll be of a fairly pejorative variety, but Pizza Hut will still sign him up.
6. At best we win and become legends, at worst we lose and become legends. Either way we can’t fail. Whatever happens on the pitch, there’s bound to be enough controversial cards, dodgy off-sides, handballs and general misdemeanour to fuel another decade or so of spite. If there’s one thing England does with any consistency it’s grudges. We love a good grudge, and the last breath of oxygen given to the Germany grudge was back in 1996.
7. If, by chance, we do get through, our most likely opponents will be Argentina. In which case, return to the top and replace the words Germany and Krauts with Argentina and Spicks and you’ve got seven clear-as-day reasons why that’s a great thing too!
And another thing. Some newspapers have been bemoaning the state of this country where we cheer for a bunch of overpaid, immoral, greedy primadonnas, who will by default win knighthoods should they fulfill their jobs. What has the world come to when you bestow a knighthood on someone like John Terry? They say. But when a soldier is awarded a badge of honour for risking their life do we double check their private lives to make sure they’re the right sort? Do we investigate any sexual indiscretions they might have had? Not in this army, thank heavens. The award is an acknowledgement of effort and commitment above the call of duty. The England team are being asked to carry the hopes of a nation and win the World Cup. Regardless of who slept with who’s girlfriend or what weekly wage their agents have managed to secure them, if they put in that extra effort to achieve this they deserve recognition.
If anything it shows a failing in the British honours system where nothing exists for the increasing numbers gaining recognition in sports. If you ask me one of the younger sporting royals should get in on this, someone like Harry or Zahra. They should melt down the Sports Personality of the Year trophy and forge some classy rosettes. Then hand them out with the new title “England Legend” to only the highest achievers. You win Wimbledon? good enough for me. World Cup winner? Here you go. Runner up? Better luck next time. That way we’d have official “England Legend Freddie Flintoff”, but only “former England batsman Mark Nicholas”. That way at least you wouldn’t get this ambiguity over what is being acknowledged.