Black Fried-Egg
By Mark Daniell
25/11/2022
Preamble
Ok, so first things first, because I know you’ve been struggling with that quiz for 24 hours now. Thanksgiving is celebrated in USA, Canada, Germany and Japan (something to do with US soldiers hanging around after the war) and the one non-World Cup nation, Liberia, whose president, George Weah, has a son, Timothy Weah, playing against us tonight. To put that in perspective it’s as if Eric Trump played up front for Italy. Or maybe, it’s as if Tom Brady became US president… You heard it here first.
Amble
Portugal 3 – 2 Ghana I think we all know what the most important part of this match was. In the final 2 seconds, Inaki Williams puts on his invisibility cloak and whispers into nothingness behind goalkeeper Diogo Costa, who strolls nonchalantly to the edge of his box. The Portugal subs bench mutters “he’s behind you…” Costa casually tosses the ball to the floor like a string of tasty sausages. Everyone in the stadium shouts “He’s behind you!”. Costa backs away from the sausages, leaving them ripe for the plucking. Ronaldo squeals from the dugout “HE’S BEHIND YOU! HE’S BEHIND YOU!”
He would have got away with it too, if he hadn’t slipped.
Uruguay 0 – 0 South Korea Too much Squid Game has preconditioned the mouse into thinking that any Korean who makes a mistake in a child’s game meets a gruesome end. So I instinctively grimaced when Uijo missed the target from 6 yards out. I’d just started to like that character too…
Switzerland 1 – 0 Cameroon Call me old-fashioned, but when I heard the first goal in this game had been scored by Embolo, I assumed that would mean for Cameroon. But then I thought, come on, woke up mouse, this is the 21st century. Embolo could be a Swiss name. Then I found out he was born in Yaoundé, Cameroon. But I thought, hey mouse, wokey, wokey! Why should that mean he’s not Swiss? Then he didn’t celebrate, because he’s from Cameroon. So I thought, I’m not sure what woke is anyway.
Brazil 2 – 0 Serbia We’ve read this script before. Brazil are great, Brazil are sexy, Brazil score overhead kicks and Neymar gets injured. The most menacing about this is that Serbia are a good side…
Postamble
Right well let’s not mince our words: England USA 7pm tonight and it’s all anyone’s talking about. The mouse overheard an elderly couple reading the papers on the train yesterday.
Wife: “Who are Wales playing?”
Husband: “Australia. Australia will crush them. Wales are pants at the back.”
The mouse sniggered. This guy! Am I right? Wales might be pants at the back, but Australia are hardly the team to “crush” anyone.
It wasn’t until halfway up the escalator that it occurred to me they might not be talking about football.
Pundit-watch
Martin Keown sums up Richarlison’s instinctive finish: “He’s a predator, isn’t he? He certainly sniffed that one out.” Martin watched a different film to the rest of us back in in 1987. Probably a worse one.
Kit of the Day
In an effort to raise funds before the World Cup, Samuel Eto’o ditched Cameroon’s established Coq Sportif shirt for the highest bidder. The mouse doesn’t know about bribes, but Cameroon rocked up yesterday in a kit produced by One All Sports, a company that doesn’t make football kits. It basically looks like a knock off, which are the mouse’s favourite.
Goal of the Day
Richarlison takes a hot pass at waist height and manages to pop it straight up into the air, high enough, it turns out, to pirouette the full 360 and slam a vicious scissor kick past keeps. Richarlison? Nice-one-me-son!
Doppellëtter
Neymar Junior = Nelly the Jellyphant Nick Jolte Natalie Jimbruglia
Win Predictions
Wales v Iran
11 year old: “Draw”
7 year old: “Wales!”
Coloured Dice: Yellow
Qatar v Senegal
11 year old: “Senegal!”
7 year old: “Qatar!” (She knows)
Coloured Dice: Red
Netherlands v Ecuador
11 year old: “Netherlands!”
7 year old: “Netherlands!”
Coloured Dice: Black
England v USA
11 year old: “England!”
7 year old: “England!”
Coloured Dice: Green
Green means go…
Tally
11 year old: -£3.97
7 year old: -£3.27
7 year old takes the lead, albeit in the red