Buenas Noches Diego

By Mark Daniell

28/07/2010

So the dream is over, or just beginning, depending on your point of view. Maradona has not accepted the renewed contract offered to him by Argentine FA president Julio Grondona and the it's the end of a rollercoaster era. It seems admirable when you get two such powerful personalities as Maradona and Grondona that a parting of ways can happen without a shot being fired, but miraculously the two masters of diplomacy successfully navigated the treacherous waters of national football coaching. 

In negotiations that stretched three uncertain days, Grondona and Maradona cleverly set out their pieces in such a way that both men emerged untainted. Grondona praised Maradona's achievements and offered his support for another term of office with only a few backroom changes recommended. Maradona honourably stood by his men, emphatically declaring that if so much as a hair on his staff's head was touched he'd not sign anything. Grondona recommended a full on shampoo and blowdry for at least two assistant coaches and Maradona walked. 

Everybody wins, Maradona isn't sacked nor is he forced to resign, the AFA maintain popular support and get to introduce a new man in time for preparations for the 2011 Copa America. Best of all, the immediate replacement is Sergio Batista, the coach who led Argentina to gold at the 2008 Olympics and who should have a working relationship with many of the players set to hit their prime in time of the next World Cup in Brazil. 

A win-win scenario like that? Frankly, it was like watching the Khrushchev Kennedy waltz all over again, except for higher stakes this time. Naturally not everyone was happy, Maradona can't go without some kind of public outcry, so the usual Argy rent-a-mob shuffled out in the winter air and banged some pots outside the AFA, but it was cold and Maradona was never any good as a coach, so after a while, the few dozen protestors puttered home, cash in pocket, job done. 

Nevertheless, an era has ended, and what an era. In just under two years El Diego's jiggery pokery managed to alienate everyone in his home country, win them back and then charm the world. Here is just a selection of some of his finest moments as coach:

"It's Mascherano, Messi and Jonas... plus another 8" 

DM talks untouchables: The world's best player, Argentina's best defensive player and Jonas, his pal.

On whether his grandson Benjamin (son of striker Sergio Aguero) will grow up to be a footballer:

"We will let Benjamin decide... but with the father he's got and with his grandpapa, what are we going to give him? a baseball bat?"

Displaying some of the traits of international diplomacy that have made him the man he is:

"I would tell Pele to go back to the museum. (...) We all know what the French are like and Platini is French... He thinks he is better than the rest."

On the previous two statements:

"Platini has sent me a letter in which he makes clear that he didn't say what you guys told me he had said. That's why I want to apologise if I offended Michel Platini. But I don't want to apologise to Pele."

Inadvertently starting an arms race on who could celebrate Argentina winning the World Cup more inappropriately:

DM: I'll get naked and run around the obelisk.

71 year-old general manager Carlos Bilardo (finishing the arms race): Whoever scores our winning goal in the final is free to take me up the arse. 

And his greatest moment as coach, the simple and effective dismantling of all Argentine journalists following the last minute salvation of his near-disastrous qualifying campaign.

DM: To those who did not believe - and I apologise to the ladies - suck it. And keep on sucking (...) You treated me like that... now keep sucking (...) I am grateful to my players and to the Argentine people. I thank no one but them. The rest, keep on sucking. 

Juan Carlos Pasman: Hi Diego, Juan Carlos Pasman from America24, I'd just like to...

DM: You too Pasman... You take it up the arse. 

JCP: Wha.. er..

DM nods ruefully.