Bye Bye Miss Canadian Pie
By Mark Daniell
28/11/2022
Preamble
One of the simple pleasures of tournament football is the good, old-fashioned riot, so it’s nice to see that even though FIFA thought they’d put the kybosh on things by moving the World Cup to a zero-tolerance state, Moroccan fans have kept the candle burning by torching cars and smashing stuff up in the Lowlands. Well done lads, someone’s got to keep tradition alive. And before you get too snooty, remember, if you ignore the victims and the crime, a good, old-fashioned riot is the literal dictionary-definition of the victimless crime.
Amble
Argentina 2 – 0 Mexico When it comes to World Cups, Argentina loves Mexico. Always ready to provide a friendly morale boost when times are tough, on Saturday they selflessly restricted shots to 1 on target and stepped off Messi enough for him to get his eye in. Gracias amigos! We now need to return the favour and tonk the Poles.
Canada 1 – 4 Croatia While googling whether the Canada goalie Milan Borjan has any Croatian heritage, the mouse got side-tracked and discovered that there is such as a thing as Canadian Football, which is basically American football but with one extra player. Can you believe it? Canadian football? What else have they nicked? Canadian Express? The Canadian Dream? Canadian Psycho? Never found out about that goalie though.
Belgium 0 – 2 Morocco Belgium goalkeeper Thibault Courtois won the Champions League this year and took the opportunity to moan down the post-match camera about how he never gets any recognition. Boohoo T-Bone, do you recognise your near post yet? Morocco did. Anyway, I hope you didn’t park your car in Antwerp.
Spain 1 – 1 Germany Billed as the heavyweight match-up of the group stages, and with Germany on the ropes and Spain in destruction mode, this had all the hallmarks of a barnstorming anticlimax. Which it duly delivered. With 4 games a day and endless points permutation rattling around, 2 finishes in the second half is not enough for the mouse’s ever-growing appetite. There wasn’t even a wafer-thin VAR offside to round things off…
Postamble
The best thing about World Cup football is imagining that the matches are actually miniature wars between two nations who might not otherwise get the chance. Brazil v Switzerland, for example, is the sort of war that would only feature in a Kurt Vonnegut novel, and which Switzerland would win. On the plus side, I imagine if the Swiss army ever did invade Brazil they’d know what to do with all that wood.
Pundit-watch
“Mathematically they’re still in this group… with a point. And they still have a point… to prove… against England” BBC Wales’s Katryn Healith milks every last drop out of that Welsh point.
Kit of the Day
New Balance designed the Costa Rica shirt and put captain’s armbands around every sleeve. I don’t know why, but they did. And it’s excellent. Shame about the collar though.
Goal of the Day
Alvaro Morata takes advantage of a millisecond’s lapse in concentration to sneak ahead of Sule and dink a finish over Neuer. The funny thing is, on the replay you can see the exact moment Sule’s mind wanders to finally cracking whether it was the chicken or the egg. Trouble is, in the ensuing disaster, he forgot the answer.
Doppellëtter
Alphonso Davies = Alice in Dunderland Ace Dentura Art Darfunkel
Win Predictions
Cameroon v Serbia
11 year old: “Draw”
7 year old: “Cameroon!”
Coloured Dice: Red
South Korea v Ghana
11 year old: “Another draw!”
7 year old: “South Korea!”
Coloured Dice: Blue
Brazil v Switzerland
11 year old: “Brazil!”
7 year old: “Switzerland!”
Coloured Dice: Black
Portugal v Uruguay
11 year old: “Uruguay!”
7 year old: “Portugal!”
Coloured Dice: Black
More draws...
Tally
11 year old: -£4.82
7 year old: -£4.47
7 year old back in the lead