Canal Dreams
By Mark Daniell
25/06/2018
Oof, well that was a busy weekend. 6 games, 27 goals, a cricket match, a Grand Prix, rugby, school sports day, nursery fete, and a wife on holiday. It’s almost as if it had been coordinated. But don’t worry, we’ve got kid’s feedback:
What did you think of that?
7 year old: “England crushed Panama’s bones!”
Who do you want to win now?
3 year old: “which flag has glitter?”
Meanwhile, Germany took the opportunity to flirt with elimination, and when I say flirt, I really mean invite elimination back to their hotel room, order room service, slip a pill into the Reisling, sit back and wait. Then, after 5 minutes of injury time, figure out the dealer was a Swede and the pill is a dud, so elimination has to pack his thong and wait to be invited back another day. Yeah, you want to extend a metaphor? Come round my picnic anytime, and bring mayo.
And in the England camp, there has clearly been some training on how to deal with the corner kick grappling:
Gareth: So guys, when a defender starts hugging, just lower your arms, trap them against your body, then fall over. It’ll look like their trying to rugby tackle you.
Jesse: You mean like how Jordan pulls on Thursday night Nando’s?
Jordan: You got a problem?
Jesse: Nah man, dat’s well dees.
But let’s catch up with the young viewers predictions:
Who’s going to win? Nigeria or Iceland?
3 year old: Iceland!
7 year old: no, we don’t want Iceland to win.
3: why?
7: because we want Nigeria to win.
So who’s going to win? Nigeria or Iceland?
3: Nigeria
7: Yes!!
Now, I don’t quite know what’s going on here. Have we decided that between them, they don't so much see the future as influence it? That could be useful…
At this stage it’s worth checking in with the BBC v ITV World Cup rivalry, which is hotting up nicely. On the BBC, Gary had to remind Rio which channel he’s on:
Rio: Under Sven, some players didn’t want to play for England
Gary: Who?
Rio: I’ll tell you in the break
Gary: We don’t have breaks here, Rio.
BOOM! Put that in your BT Sports pipe, Rio! Frankly, I don’t believe there was a secret player, Rio just can’t shake years of old school pulling technique:
Rio: I once met someone really super famous
Nando's lady: Who?
Rio: I’ll tell you later.
Nando's lady: I know you will, Sexy Rio.
Meanwhile, over on ITV, The Incredible Keane hid no delight when Sweden spectacularly orchestrated their own demise, even though right next to him, Henrik Larsson was still reeling from the sucker punch. "I loved it" (pause, shifty glance) "I really enjoyed that" (twitch). Even Patrice Evra can feel the awkwardness. The thing is, in his shifty glances, Roy has revealed his gameplan for 2018. What Roy wants more than anything is to see England v Germany. It’s a win win: England win, he’s part of the punditry of a once in a lifetime footballing occasion. Germany win, well, England lose. And deep down, that’s what Roy enjoys most.
But most peculiarly, Mark Pougatch decided to sign off with: “A hat trick for Kane means he’ll definitely be in the Panama papers in the morning.”
Now, either ITV thinks now is the time to uncover Harry Kane’s investment dealings, or Pougatch has just Googled “what’s Panama famous for?” (Pougatch still puts question marks on the end of his Google searches, he’s a gent), ruled out hats and canals, and gone with papers, because you know, the papers.
Running Total: BBC 1 – 1 ITV
Kit of the weekend:
No question, it’s the Super Eagles’ electric lime outfit. Adidas knew this was a prime target for cheap Chinese knock offs, so postponed releasing it until the end of May. Trouble is, they subsequently sold out across the world in minutes and with Nike tweeting that they have no plans to restock, we’re left with either paying hundreds on ebay, or hitting Portobello road. Probably made by the same Bangladeshi kids anyway.
Name of the Weekend
Colombia manager Jose Peckerman
As in: “So, what’s your name and where does it hurt, man?”
Haircut Wars of the weekend:
Sadio mane’s parking restriction vs Keisuke Honda’s Michael Fassbender. (Honda wins thanks to an outstanding supporting cast)
Moment of the weekend:
Felipe Baloy scores when Panama are 6-0 down and kicks off a universal carnival of football love in all of Nizhny Novgorod. “In a way,” dirges Danny Murphy “you have to be happy for him” That’s right Danny, it the way that he’s 37 years old and has just scored his country’s first ever World Cup goal, but where’s the quality, eh Danny?
Goal of the weekend:
Ahmed Musa stretches out a rangy limb, plucks Victor Moses’s cross from the air, dinks it high in the six yard box and absolutely melts home the half volley. And both Abuja and Buenos Aires erupt in celebration. Never underestimate the denial power of a football fan.
And now that every team has played twice, we’re into the double headers. Where managers become the football equivalent of a quarantined exam student desperately trying to get info on what’s going on somewhere else. Given the Russian zeitgeist, surely the opportunity for someone to work some fake news magic here is almost too tempting to resist. Hack a website, throw out some erroneous scores and watch the carnage.
Today’s kidictions:
Who’s going to win between Portugal and Iran?
3 year old: No!
No as in, no one?
(silence)
As in a draw?
(silence)
ok then.
Who’s going to win between Spain and Morocco?
7 year old: Spain.
There you go.