Finding Nemo's Eyes

By Mark Daniell

14/06/2012

Well it may not have been the result I was hoping for, but at least we got some nice commentary. Jonathan Pearce, a propos nothing, pipes up with a description of Mesut Özil as “The man they’ve nicknamed Nemo… because his eyes look like the big eyes… of the cartoon fish.” That’s what I like about TV commentary. Whereas in radio they can’t freestyle because they’re too busy describing a short pass across the midfield, on TV the boys get to wax it a little. You know how it goes: first time they call a player by his name; second time it’s “The Bayern Munich man”; third time they go a bit more exotic, “The opening scorer of the 2006 World Cup”; but it’s only once we’ve got to the bottom of the A4 pad, the seventieth minute or so, that we get the good stuff.

I like the justification given too: it’s on account of Özil’s eyes. It’s not because he’s stripy orange, say, nor because (spoiler alert) he’s trapped in a dentist’s aquarium in Sydney. He's called Nemo because of his big eyes.  Disappointingly Jonathan left it at that, perhaps realising the fine line he was treading (who are “They”? How does Özil feel about this nickname? Could this accidentally spark a career-ending media frenzy where hitherto unheard big-eyed victims cry oversized tears into tabloid columns?). No matter though, because we all know it’s got to lead to a chant, either a Dirty Dancing style ‘Özil Eyes’, or with a bit of work, some kind of Kim Carnes ‘Finding Nemo's Eyes’ tribute.

The rest of the game was a bit of a washout. The Dutch (still my tip for the tournament) started brightly, fizzled out, brightened up and then, critically, when they had the Germans on the back foot and it was time to do some punching, they fizzled out again. There was no punching, there was no kicking in the chest, there was not even any cross-border village-trashing. Sure, the Germans writhed around a lot, and even got booked for time-wasting, which is shameful really, but there was no argy-bargy. I don’t know how Frank ‘flob in their perms’ Rijkaard felt about proceedings but my guess is disappointed. Also, I don’t care if he is a selfish prima donna, you don’t take off Robben when you’re a goal down with ten minutes to go.

And perhaps most significantly, it turns out I was wrong yesterday when I said a German victory would knock out the Dutch, so my prediction skills have dipped back down to ‘poor’. Maybe I'm being too specific with my calls, either that or too generic. On the plus side however, it’s still mathematically possible for the Germans to go out next game. I know, I know, they’ve had a renaissance and their football is multi-cultural, free-flowing and attack-minded, but I mean come on, Muller winks at the camera, Gomez looks like Ted Danson in an ad for wetlook gel, and they only selected one Bender twin when they could have had two. Imagine that commentary, "Bender to Bender", it sounds like an eighties TV cop show, or an eighties interracial sitcom, or something from the eighties with Ted Danson in. Whatever, I can’t forgive a team that overlooks such an opportunity.

So on to tonight’s games and frankly, I think we all know what to expect here: A plucky Irish build up, followed by all-out defence for forty minutes, a half chance for Robbie Keane, saved by Casillas, who then hoofs it upfield and while the Irish are still revelling in how close they came to taking the lead, Iniesta pops up and they’re 1-0 down. Then, as Andy Townsend points out what a shame it is to concede so close to half time, they let in another. The pundits say there will be more goals in the second half, but there won’t, and then we’ll all talk a bit about Torres and stuff. Meanwhile Italy will beat Croatia. Let’s see what the setting is on my predictometer now.