For Harry, England and St Garth
By Mark Daniell
19/06/2018
Well that was most satisfactory wasn’t it? And you know why? Because we’ve had just about enough time to dispel all those negative thoughts that were swilling about our heads at minute 89 and can now convince ourselves that England were always going to win and that everyone was awesome.
For some of us this takes less time than for others. Alan Shearer was straight in with the hefty praise, explaining how Harry Kane did exactly what was asked of him all game long: he motivated, he lead the team, he did the job and was basically perfect. One can only speculate as to what Alan would have said had Tunisia left a defender on the back post in injury time, but it probably would have been the same.
Shut up naysayer! this is football! you’ve got to play to the whistle, innit?
Well, yes but…
Especially at World Cups where many teams have older players not used to the Premier League’s gruelling fitness programme and hence the last five minutes often presents the biggest disparity in abilities.
That’s cool, I get that,
Exactly, naysayer. Also check your grammar, it’s all over the shop.
Ok, fair enough, I’m only pointing it out a teeny bit because, well, it’s just this sort of bipolar 100% praise or 100% this is the worst performance EVER! seesawing that sends the players into convulsions of nervousness in the first place.
100% BEST performance ever you mean!
Whatever, Lord Kane’s late goal (get used to it, he’s going to have a good month: golden boot, World Cup trophy and a hereditary baronetcy) was important not just because it earns 3 points, but because it keeps the media wolves at bay for a few minutes more, giving the team another training session away from the crushing spectre of fear.
It occurs to me that watching England play football at a World Cup is a lot like eating out at a fancy restaurant…
You kick off with high hopes (it’s fancy after all): apparently David Beckham ate here, but don’t say anything, that was with the primary school teacher, so it’s hush hush.
The starter arrives: Wow! This is excellent! So original and fresh! I love it! I’m going to instagram the shit out of this, maybe get back in touch with some friends I haven’t spoken to in ages but once had arancini with, remind them of that shit.
Then the main course: Well, this is ok, I suppose. I mean, it’s not actively bad. But it is expensive, and it’s not as good as, say, Côte. Actually, why aren’t we at Côte? That place is always good. What the fuck does this place think it is? Charging a fortune for some wilted spinach and an undercooked piece of chicken? And the service is both smug and shit. Pudding had better be damned spectacular or I’m getting nasty on tripadvisor.
Pudding: Oh… Oh man! What do you call this? Fondant? Fondante? This is amazing! And free limoncello? Shut up! I love this place! I’m booking a regular babysitter – we’re having a weekly restaurant night. You know, you’ve got to make time for occasions like this, otherwise life can just slide by.
Best night ever (except for the main course): England in a nutshell.
Kids’ predictions:
3 year old: Tunisia
7 year old: What? No way! It has to be England! Say England, say it!
3 year old: England.
7 year old: Yeah!
Nice to see he’s got to grips early with the concept of irrational superstition. He’ll fit right in.
Celebrity spot of the day:
Harry Kane = Ben Fogle
Name of the day:
Naim Sliti
As in: what kind of eyes does Naim have? Brown.
Goal of the day:
Mertens dipping volley to break the deadlock against Panama was playground daydream stuff, but nothing beats a last gasp point blank unmarked twisty header winner. Kane wins.
Kit of the day:
Panama played their first ever World Cup game today, and wore their away shirt (fair enough, we’re not in Panama anymore). I looked up the manufacturers and it turns out New Balance were inspired by the Harpy Eagle, national bird of Panama. Touché New Balance. I stared at that kit for a good minute before realising it’s a plain old shirt and they spun some shit to get me to look.
Moment of the day:
Gary Linker shoots his bolt early using up his “Cry God for Harry, England and St Gareth!” zinger after Game 1. In my mind there’s a time traveller at Agincourt by Henry V’s side whispering, “the good news here Hal is that in 600 years people will reference this when England beat Tunisia 2-1 in the group stages.” “That is good news, minstrel” He will reply. And they will both be right.
Next up, by popular request, here are the young predictions published before the actual results:
Who’s going to win? Poland or Senegal?
3 year old: Polegal
Who’s going to win? Russia or Egypt?
7 year old: Egypt