Group RoundUp

By Mark Daniell

19/06/2012

Considering the groups are almost over, that I’ve missed all of the recent games and that tomorrow we’ll have ghost goals, unfair reds and ungiven penalties to whinge about, today seems as good an opportunity as any to cast an eye over the various countries’ performances so far. Not least because we’ll not be mentioning most of these guys again for some time.

Poland: Well, I’m disappointed. Not so much because the host nation is out but because I’d been sorely looking forward to the bloodbath of a home Poland game against Germany. On the plus side, they did at least get to cheer the equaliser against Russia, memorably described by Mick MmmCarthy as “a thing of beauty.”

Czech Republic: Losing the opener 4-1 and still going through? Inconceivable.

Russia: Winning the opener 4-1 and not making it past the group stages? Haha! Lol x.

Greece: Well, they’re out of the woods, but I can’t help but feel it’s a little undeserved and that they’ve benefited from others’ trepidation rather than their own merit. Are we still talking about the Euros? Who knows? I’m fed up with misleading headlines that end up being about some trivial international association rather than what’s actually important in people’s lives. Are we still talking about the euro? Whatever, the Greece Germany quarter final provides football’s first socio-economic grudge match, which will be as exciting and/or as boring as that sounds.

Holland: Ah, the infighting Dutch, the grumpy, surly Dutchies. Say what you like, but I respect a team that tries to win over fans by ignoring defence and turning out every eligible creative and attacking player simultaneously. Sadly there can only ever be one outcome to such a strategy: DOOM (although they remain my tip for the tournament).

Germany: In a weird way, I’m enjoying the German resurgence. Narratives are no fun when there isn’t a good nemesis to thwart. Germany’s expectations are climbing higher and higher, and they’re starting to act arrogantly on the pitch. This is shaping up to fill some classic pantomime villain territory.

Portugal: Any team that contains the world’s best gay footballer stands a chance of winning. I read that sometimes, when Cristiano’s out, Fábio Coentrão climbs over the wall to his Madrid garden and helps himself to his vegetables. Tells you all you need to know.

Denmark: Much like everyone else in Europe, and I include Denmark in that sweep, I’m not too fussed about what they got up to.

Italy: It’s never nice to witness a former great wallowing in despair, so Italy’s return to form is good to see. Perhaps this is a relic of Sundays in front of Football Italia on Channel 4, but as long as they don’t actually win anything, I enjoy watching Italy play.

Spain: Definitely the top team in the tournament. TikiTaka may be getting on some people’s nerves, but once this team are gone, we won’t see its like again. Rather like the Total Football Dutch team of the seventies, this only works because the players have an incredible first touch, are ludicrously hard-working and have an innate trust in each other. Once Iniesta and Xavi retire, TikiTaka will be a distant memory. Enjoy it while you can. (Also, I saw a bar in Barcelona called TikiTapas, Get In!)

Ireland: Yeah, they were unlucky to concede early, but, well, you know… Look at their group… They were unlucky before the tournament even started.

Croatia: Pretty much a regulation turn by the Croats. They got their points against Ireland and gave the Italians and Spanish a run for their money. Ultimately though, they respected the format and left in the group stages. I hope the Ukraine are taking note.

Sweden: Some pretty harsh treatment for the Swedes, but I still remain scarred by witnessing Brolin’s little twirly jump as a teenager so I’m not losing any sleep over it. They can head back to Stockholm for some more sex, smögåsbords and suicide.

France: Somehow, before this tournament began I did a run through of expected results and France ended up winners. Admittedly they were to beat the Danes in the final, but that’s not the point. The point is these guys remain dangerous outsiders.

Ukraine: Rather like Poland, I think they’ll be happy with one or two good moments to cheer. The Sheva brace to win it against Sweden offers them that, and so they can lose to us with their heads held high, please.

England: Apparently, we’ve got Pele joining the squad now, which in no way reflects the ludicrous ease with which England abandon reason in favour of delusion. Russia thought they were home and dry, and well, they were. Home, that is. That's a cautionary tale right there, so let's just leave the number of chickens uncounted for now. Or, let's at least lowball any poultry tallies we might be asked to make. Or, if really pressed for a fowl audit, let's invite an independent regulator to... Look, what I'm saying is, oh, you get it...