Into The Simults...
By Mark Daniell
22/06/2010
And that’s the end of round two. How does it feel? Personally I find it feels slightly less clear-cut than it did two weeks ago. Those who were supposed to be pushovers were anything but, and those who were supposed to push things over did little other than lean on them lightly. Meanwhile, Tshabalala’s opener is still in contention for goal of the tournament, and Messi’s little run and dinked shot through six South Koreans is the best 'what if' moment.
In amongst all this footballing showmanship however there have been some dramatic casualties:
England’s footballing mojo: Nobody can explain it, but that doesn’t mean they don’t fancy having a stab from the front seat of your cab at one a.m.
Germany’s penalty invincibility: The best thing about this clip is the commentary sounds like a badly scripted war film.
Kaka’s innocence: We all saw that tiny glance over your shoulder. We all saw that elbow. We all know it hit him in the chest but we don’t care because we all remember Rivaldo clutching his beautiful face and writhing on the floor. In a word: Pah!
The entire nation of France: You know what? It wouldn’t surprise me if France opted out completely of the next World Cup just to have a sit-down, maybe a bit of red wine, some boursin... you know, take some time to think about things.
Pique’s face: First he gets some studs scraped down the side of it, now his teeth are knocked out. Mama Pique must be busy taking a list of names to get even.
The North Korean football team: Okay, so technically they’re still alive, but we all know that won’t last. And I’m not talking about old age.
Of course now that everyone’s played two matches it means we’re into the simultaneous ties, or the Simults as I like to call them. (Pronounced Sy-mults) (Listen, I was chatting with a friend yesterday and he happily threw the term Round of Sixteen into conversation as if it were normal. For the first time I understood how Winston Smith must have felt. So if you want to play rough, then from now on they're the Simults). The Simults are a necessary football congestion designed to avoid fixed results and dead rubbers, so you know, things like Uruguay and Mexico knowing a 0-0 draw will avoid injury, suspensions and see them both qualify. But that’s not important. What’s important is how you will watch them. It’s not often we get to watch two simultaneous matches on TV, so I’m not sure we’re that well versed in how to approach it. Ingeniously, in an effort to avoid getting trumped by more important matches, ITV and BBC have bought packages of both Simults rather than sharing one each. The upshot of this is that with so much to cover by each network, the dregs of the commentary teams will be given their own starring roles. Frankly if anything’s let this World Cup down it’s been the commentary. There’s been far too much moaning about the poor standard of football and the lack of creativity. As if Gary Lineker’s England won all their games 6 -0. Fine, you got to the semis Gary, but there was plenty of crap along the way. Also there’s been way too much Alan Shearer and no where near enough comedy foreigner for my liking, and while we're at it, I've noticed a disturbing undercurrent of smugness throughout all commentators. A sort of 'in our time, we were way better than this bunch of losers'. Whatever. You're just bitter that in 'your time' you were paid sixty quid and a packet of hobnobs. So anyway, the only thing to do now is to buy another telly, put both Simults on simultaneously and see who can notch up the most cliches about the low standard of football.
As it happens I don’t think we’re going to get a low standard in these games. Players are becoming accustomed to the ball and nerves are settling. Also, and incredibly for FIFA, almost all the matches have something important riding on the outcome, even those in which a draw will see each side go through. Most would expect a love-in 0-0 between Mexico and Uruguay, however, if this happens Mexico will most likely draw Argentina in the next round rather than South Korea or Nigeria. It’s this fact alone that keeps French hopes alive: surely Mexico would rather beat Uruguay and avoid Argentina, right? We’ll have to wait and see...
Meanwhile the FIFA nightmare of Spain playing Brazil in the second round (Hey! It’s still the second round okay?) conveniently vanished as Switzerland had a man dubiously sent off and lost 1-0. Conspiracy theorists could do little but grind their teeth and rue not having put their money where their mouths were. Still, this means the match between Portugal and Brazil is of a similar nature to Uruguay’s game. A draw (or Brazil win) sees both go through, but with Portugal to play Spain. Just maybe, Portugal will try to avoid that outcome.