It's an upset! (Or is it?)
By Mark Daniell
17/06/2010
An upset! We've got an upset! And a real upset too, not one of those weak-ass draw upsets that this World Cup has been feeding us so far. So England drew with the USA, big deal! Italy drew with Paraguay? Get over it, it's football, we get draws. But a real, bonafide upset that even five minutes of inexplicable injury time can't alter? Now that's a welcome change. If the World Cup isn't going to have loads of goals then it might at least have a decent upset here or there. The world's best team, whose only defeat in four years was the result of a Clint Dempsey strike in South Africa (how did we fail to spot that one?) loses to Switzerland, a team who have lost to Luxembourg within the last two years.
And their goal was awesome! At first glance Derdyiok had it under about as much control as a toddler with a renegade firehose. But then you realise it was all part of his plan: When faced with a player using his shins to control the ball Casillas has no choice but to lunge in wildly with his feet. Derdyiok then dinks it off Casillas's own knee and launches into a violent aerial somersault which enables him to use his upturned studs to take an additional three touches on the ball and one Pique's face, and somehow leave it for Fernandes to poke home. Textbook Swiss goal. You know it's good when there are at least two corpses lying in the penalty area afterwards.
Anyway, it's not a World Cup without a good conspiracy theory and that additional five minutes, when there had been next to no injuries, no red cards and only one goal, tells us where the best one is to be found. FIFA don't want the tournament's two favourite teams playing each other in the first knock out round, cue the convoluted tinkering of results to make sure that doesn't happen. As far as FIFA are concerned, says the theory, it's a money game and losing the superstars early is not good for profit. Nike and Adidas want to sell shirts and Jabulani balls and they need the likes of Torres and Kaka to be in the semi-finals at least. And before you dismiss the power of the manufacturers as nonsense bear in mind that not since 1990 have both teams in the final worn the same kit sponsor, which is quite impressive when you think there are only about three rival companies.
Anyway, as far as I can tell if Switzerland beat Chile they look like winning the group, which means unless Brazil screw up against Portugal or Ivory Coast, Spain will play them in the next round. On the other hand, if Switzerland draw with Chile, Spain have to rely on Honduras providing an upset, which seems unlikely. Lastly, if Chile beat Switzerland, Spain need only to beat Chile in their last match to win the group. So if conspiracy theorists are right, Chile will beat Switzerland on Monday thanks to a highly dubious refereeing decision.
But it doesn't end there. There's another way to ensure the two don't meet and that's to leave Spain to their troubles and have Brazil finish second in their group too. They play Ivory Coast on Sunday in a match that would certainly restore popular support in the tournament should it go the way of the Elephants.
Alternatively, if you're feeling realistic today, you can dismiss it all as a load of hokum. Spain were expected to beat Switzerland and they didn't. Boohoo. Russia didn't beat Slovenia (amazingly) but that's football for you. But remember, don't accidentally get into an argument with a conspiracy theorist because that's only what they want. Your argument can only ever be: but that's ridiculous! which ignores the fact that the one thing conspiracy theories never do is let complications, really convoluted complications, get in their way. The more fixing required, the better.
Much more interestingly I noticed Van Persie get called offside against Denmark and then shoot at the goal anyway. When the ref told him off he remonstrated saying, What? Listen to all these vuvuzelas, I can't be expected to hear a whistle above this din. Which incredibly worked and he dodged a yellow card. Now, obviously Van Persie heard the whistle. For one thing, no one in this entire World Cup has missed the whistle because of the vuvuzelas, and for another you can tell when a player knows they've shot after the whistle because they don't make monkeys of themselves celebrating a non-goal. Van Persie clearly didn't react to his strike as if it had been in open play which can only mean he was being deliberately provocative because he knew he had a ready made excuse.
Which begs the obvious question, what else can we deliberately do wrong and blame on vuvuzelas? Fail to pull over when caught speeding? What is it officer? Oh, i'm sorry, the vuvuzelas... Walk out of a shop with a bunch of clothes and ignore the alarm? Oh dear! Did I really? It must have been the vuvuzelas... Fill in inaccurate tax returns? You understand, there were vuvuzelas... Spill millions of barrels of oil onto the Florida coastline? Come on Tony, blame the vuvuzelas. Obama can't argue with that defence, it's part of African heritage.