It's Coming Ho Ho Home
By Mark Daniell
22/11/2022
Preamble
There are those characters in fiction who are cursed with immortality, destined to watch all their friends die around them, to become so weatherbeaten by the cycle of history that they don’t feel anything anymore, they just continue to exist. And lo, the resurrection of Baddiel, Skinner and the Lightning Seeds, to once more bunder into our earholes. But condemn them not, for Baddiel was junketting on the school run radio this morning, about how his own son had begged him not to do it, but Baddiel just stared coldly at the mortality deep in his son’s eyes, and he did it anyway. “You too, will die, my son. You too, will die.”
Amble
England 6 – 2 Iran. Well, what can I say? The Mouse abides. Not just the score, but the whole approach was a delight. Playing 4 3 3 with Saka, Sterling and Kane up front, encouraging forays up the wings from Trippier and Shaw, allowing Bellingham to boss the midfield with the sort of confidence that only comes from being 19 and not living in England at the moment, is just the sort of hay-making group stage football that we expect from Brazil. 78% possession. 800 passes to 200. Yes, I’m saying it, England are playing samba soccer. Now, ordinarily that kind of devil-may-care fate-tempting would generate a few winces, but don’t worry, it won’t all be like this. This is the fun part. Soon, we will suffer the excruciating stress of knock-out football, so enjoy the fun times, they’re only too brief.
USA 1 – 1 Wales Credit where it’s due, Wales played terrible football but have come out of it alive. The Mouse did get the impression that everyone on that pitch was absolutely knackered mind you, not least the US Mens National Team, dropping to their knees for no reason other than it was past bedtime. I think it’s the nickname: USMNT is both dull and unpronounceable. They need to be called USA Thunderz or The Soccer Jocks or something. Then they’d have won this game.
Senegal 0 – 2 Netherlands Another goal in the 99th minute and we’ve only played four games. Brace yourself, it looks like matches in Qatar are XXL.
Postamble
And the World Cup gains momentum. Four games today, which would be hard enough work on a summer Sunday, but on a Tuesday in November, it’s brutal. FYI, this has not gone unnoticed at home with the Mouse.
“You’re not going to comment on all the games, are you?”
“Oh no, of course not…” (nobody watches the 3rd / 4th place play off, teehee)
If they avoid losing to Saudi, Argentina will equal the record longest unbeaten run in world football of 37, currently held by Italy. I’m thinking of developing an after-dinner chocolate called Tempt-Fate. They look like After Eights, they taste like After Eights, but one of them contains the curse of Anck-Su-Namun. I think they’d sell.
Meanwhile, France look to break their own curse of the defending champions being knocked out in the group stage, but polls say this is the most popular curse in sport, so it’s just possible the whole world feels a Socceroo tonight…
Pundit-watch
“Jack Grealish will give Callum Wilson an extra special hug at the end of this.” Guy Mowbray tries to clickbait us into subscribing to his after-hours, access-all-areas England insta feed. Stop it Guy.
Kit of the Day
England ingeniously opt for a lower case i on their shirt names, because you know, otherwise it could be mistaken for a lower case L (that’s how email scams work). Oh right, I hear you say, but who would put a lower case letter in amongst all those capitals in the first place? Who? England, that’s who.
Goal of the Day
Plenty to choose from, but coming on as a substitute, collecting a pass from Kane, touching it past one defender, cutting back and slotting it home, is class. Marcus Rashford didn’t need to make a point today; he made one anyway.
But whatever, goal of the day goes to Gareth Bale. First Wales goal in a World Cup since the fifties? He twatted that peno.
Win Predictions
Argentina v Saudi Arabia
11 year old: “Argentina!”
7 year old: “Argentina!”
Coloured Dice: Red
Denmark v Tunisia
11 year old: “Denmark!”
7 year old: “Tunisia!”
Coloured Dice: Yellow
Mexico v Poland
11 year old: “Mexico!”
7 year old: “I love Mexico. But then, I love Poland… Mexico.” (She has been to neither)
Coloured Dice: Blue
France v Australia
11 year old: “France!”
7 year old: “Is Mama from Australia?” “No” “France then”
Coloured Dice: Brown
Still don’t know what the dice are saying…
Tally
11 year old: £1.25
7 year old: £1.25
5p up on the day. Can’t argue with a profit…