Kick-Aff!
By Mark Daniell
12/06/2010
well, that's the 19th world cup underway, and I think most will agree with me when I say it can be summed up in one word: boredom.
Not the sort of boredom you'd expect from a third division middle of the table scrap in Oman, although that is on offer at times, but a more piercing boredom, the boredom which asks what am I going to do with my time until the next match? and why isn't this match more exciting? and why am I looking at stuff online with the footy in the background instead of lending it my full attention? it's France versus Uruguay! URUGUAY!
But no. The World Cup can never live up to expectations, the hype transcends everything from Pringles to Hyundais and leaves us so foaming with anticipation we forget that we're settling down to watch a group match between France and Uruguay. URUGUAY! Still, this bathos has led to two unexpected outcomes: on the one hand there is a flood of gambling adverts on ITV. bet365, I Will, that East End guy, all telling us to bet on how many yellow cards there''ll be, or when the next throw is going to happen, or what colour undies Pirlo is wearing (Italian cerise). Clearly they've realised that the hype far outweighs the product and that people are left feeling listless, expecting excitement but receiving none. Like a teenage boy receiving an iPad for doing well in his GCSEs and then realising that because of an argument between two old men he can't watch porn. (Almost the dictionary definition of listless, that).
But gambling on trivialities is a poor substitute for excitement. For one thing it has nothing to do with the game, you might as well say "hey, you're off to take a shit, why not make it more exciting? bet on how many plops there'll be." And also, should victory come, it's always hollow. You don't get congratulations, you don't get grudging respect, you get the raised eyebrow awarded to an incurable gambler with good bowel control. Besides, it's always followed by a stupid, more substantial defeat.
Yet if we've got boredom in between games, don't worry because we've also got boredom during games. As with all high stake sports, sometimes the occasion gets to the players. They're nervous about performing badly and, lacking the confidence to got out and play their natural game, perform badly. South Africa's first half was a classic example. Fortunately for us the South Africans have worked out how to deal with boredom during matches, they've introduced us to the wonders of the voovoozela, that miraculous, monotone instrument that will come to haunt your dreams by the end of the month. I don't understand why they're called voovoozela, that's an interesting word that insinuates they make a sound other than HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARN. Which they don't, they just go HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARN. If I had my way, I'd call them HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARNs. But credit to the South Africans, they've made the world cup their own. There's going to be no doubt where we are when we look back on clips of this tournament.
Luckily, the opening game offered a little more than just LOUD NOISES. Mexico came out of the blocks running and could have wrapped it up in ten minutes, but South Africa hung on and by the second half had worked out that eight Mexicans up the pitch missing chances meant only two Mexicans in defence. If there are any lessons to be learned from the result these are they: 1. All out attack with only two kept back leaves you wide open to even the least technically able of sides, and 2. Fail to adapt to changing circumstances and you'll get worked out by any coach worth his salt.
I hear Maradona doesn't eat salt, it's against his diet, and his massive personality doesn't mask the simple fact that he has no idea what to do as a coach. Despite having one of the strongest teams on paper, with tubs in charge Argentina are in real danger of going out to the first team that has any idea how to play football.