Lawro and Mowbray
By Mark Daniell
08/07/2010
Last night Spain did what the combined might of England, Argentina and Australia could not and stopped the German goal machine from rumbling on. Through intelligent marking and persistent crowding of the ball, the Spanish midfield hurried the Germans away from their fluid, attacking game and forced them up the pitch to give away possession with hopeful long balls. Del Bosque, using all his tactical awareness in leaving Torres on the bench in favour of the more harrying Pedro, played to his team’s strengths and forced Germany into a gameplan unused in this World Cup. Spain came away with 61% of possession and outshot Germany 13 to 5. It was a vintage display from an assured side which revealed a surprising inability in Jogi Low to alter his team structure. That said, Germany did pose the most consistent attacking threat this World Cup, and having learnt from last night I expect them to be tournament favourites in Poland / Ukraine in two years’ time. Also, I expect them to follow Argentine advice on Paul the octopus and make paella out of him. If Macbeth had done as much to those three witches he’d have saved himself a lot of strife.
Meanwhile another vintage performance was to be had on the BBC as Guy Mowbray and Mark Lawrenson were let loose on the nation. At times it was Chesterton and Shaw, at times Barry and Paul Chuckle. Either way, liquid gold trickled from their mouths and in one fell swoop they reinstated my faith in football commentary:
Guy Mowbray: Iniesta... He’s got the highest pass completion ratio of the World Cup. Heheh, they have a stat for everything.
Mark Lawrenson: Do they have a stat for person with the most stats?
GM chuckles nervously.
(Did Lawro just take the piss out of you Guy? Yes, yes he did - and entirely unnecessarily, I might add)
ML (within seconds of a fan running onto the pitch): He’s been drinking on an empty head.
(Nice Lawro, although a bit too quick, if you know what I mean...)
GM (not wanting to be left out and seeing the fan get bundled away by security): He might have a sore head in the morning for a different reason.
(Guy... I’ve thought about this for a while and there’s only one conclusion, have you been beaten up in a South African prison cell?)
ML: Xavi, Xabi Alonso, Iniesta... there’s too many of them.
(Lawro is not admiring this by the way, he’s complaining).
ML: Spain. You get the feeling there’s one too many.
(Brain cells. You get the feeling there’s one too few.)
BACK IN THE STUDIO AT HALF TIME
Gary Lineker: Well... how about that first half, a bit like chess?
Alan Hansen: YES! (pause) they passed, they moved...
(I’d like to play Alan Hansen at chess).
SECOND HALF
ML (whining after a foul is given for a legitimate Alonso tackle): Aah, you’re joking! That’s a good tackle. Come on, what’s wrong with that? (pause) You’re supposed to say nothing. span>
er-spacing: 0.0px;">GM: I am saying nothing.
(cue the Laurel and Hardy music)
GM (On a long ball that Neuer has to race out to and boot upfield): He made Neuer worry though, didn’t he?
ML: He certainly did... Para-Neuer.
(Fuck it guys, that’s the best gag I’ve heard in any World Cup, ever. Have a cigar).
And as a glorious finale, the BBC show a strange fast-tracked documentary on the Rorke’s Drift guided tour, which after ever so slightly glamourising the massacre of thousands of native Zulu, makes amends by highlighting the mutual respect both sides still have for each other. Cue Mark Lawrenson to rock up at the BBC bus in a British military red tunic and announce: I didn’t know anything about the Boer War... or indeed Rorke’s Drift.
Nearly Lawro, nearly...
Big Al Shearer: We should be talking about the football, not an octopus!
(Because if we drift off football, what are you doing here Al?)
Bigger Al Hansen: A great night for football and for the World Cup.
(That’s it. That’s a wrap)