Looking to the Round of Sixteen
By Mark Daniell
18/06/2010
So Group A is all set. France need to pray for a result between Mexico and Uruguay, wallop the hosts by four or five goals and they're through to play Argentina in the Round of Sixteen. Obviously the big question here is, Round of Sixteen? Since when has it been called the Round of Sixteen? It sounds like a large drinks order, or at best a bad translation. I kept expecting Gary to correct Clarence: "Round of What? No, no, we don't call it that in English. We call it the Second Round." Not anymore, everyone's saying it, Gary, Hansen, Chiles. They're all round of sixteening as if it's always been that way. Am I the only one who's noticed this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!
Of course I can understand why this issue has been broached, after all there's always been something slightly confusing about FIFA's choice of terminology. You try explaining the difference between the European Cup, the Europa Cup, the European Championships and European Qualifying Group for the World Cup to anyone who'll listen. In fact don't bother. It takes longer than you think and halfway through you start wondering whether it's worth it.
And the World Cup is no different. At the moment, even though we're still in the group stages we're actually watching the World Cup Finals, that's to say the final round of matches for the World Cup. The final of the World Cup Finals - or World Cup Final for short - is what we'll be watching on July 11. Make sense? Sure it does.
So within these World Cup Finals we get the First Round, which is a group stage, then the Second Round which is the first knock-out stage. After that you're into the Third Round, which we like to call the Quarter Finals. That's obvious right? So why bother changing it? Well there's a problem, because the group stage has three rounds of matches within it, so people might have been getting confused between the Second Round, and the second round of matches in the group stages (which incidentally is what we're watching at the moment). Hence Round of Sixteen.
The trouble is the name Round of Sixteen isn't cool enough. Traditionally nobody wanted to go out in the Second Round because it sounded just as crap as going out in the group stages but was tantalisingly close to the Quarter Finals, and there's no shame in going out in the Quarters, look at Sven. Round of Sixteen doesn't remedy that. What we need is a cool name that distinguishes it from the failure of going out in the group stages and emphasises how you're now in the knock-outs where anything can happen. Something like Death Match! (The exclamation mark is integral).
First Round, Death Match! and then Quarter Finals. That works for me, after all, everyone craps their pants the moment Death Match! kicks off. One mistake and you're doomed. There's no way to pick up the pieces. Spain lose to Switzerland in Death Match! and it's all over baby. Also, call it Death Match! and nobody will mind going out.
What stage did you get to last World Cup?
Death Match!
Death Match!? WOW!
Yeah, I know.
See?
Anyway, that's neither here nor there as far as France are concerned because after last night's abject performance they're reliant on Uruguay and Mexico overlooking the fact that a draw will see them both through, the odds of which happening are now 8 to 11 on. Yup, those are short odds people. And yet the disincentive lies with Mexico, where a draw sees them play Argentina in Death Match! Precisely how they were knocked out of the last World Cup. And unlike Zanetti and Cambiasso, Maxi is still there to hit the volleys...
On a lighter note, and still in the relative security of the group stages, England play Algeria tonight. This is the stage where tradition dictates we score a hatload of goals and reignite all the pomp and nonsense championed by the media. Nobody will dare point out it's against Algeria, instead people like Shearer will say, yes well you can only beat who's put in front of you (unless they're the USA) and a feeling of euphoria will descend. This will last until we labour a disappointing nil nil against Slovenia, and draw Germany in Death Match! The good news is, our "kick 'n' rush" style will be too much for those guys and Franz Beckenbauer will have to eat his words. Honestly Franz... Kick 'n' Rush? Is that even an expression?