Messi outfoxed by Renard
By Mark Daniell
22/11/2022
Preamble
Oh you’re reading this one. You may have ignored the last couple in your inbox because Mondays, yeah? And also Tuesdays, yeah? But then, Bish! al-Shehri, Bosh! al-Dawsari, and here you are. So let’s get it over with… Wow-di Arabia! Saudi Doody! Saudi, with a chance of meatballs!
Yeah, laugh it up fuzzballs. You know what? Every proper World Cup needs an upset, so it’s nice Argentina got it out of the way early.
But listen, we all know the form for winning the World Cup: look dodgy in the group stages; grind out results during the knock-outs; win the final on penalties. It’s the recipe. It’s World Cup soup, with a side of cornbread. So don’t get fretful when the starter arrives; you ordered it. Now obviously, I know this theory undermines Monday’s fantastic England performance, but don’t stress, we can get shitty in no time.
Amble
Argentina 1 – 2 Saudi Arabia. The mouse had just finished texting his brothers not to worry because Saudi hadn’t had a single shot, when bang bang, 2 shots later we were losing. In fairness, they were two exquisite shots. And Saudi then did an admirable job of shutting up shop. But that was it for attempts. A more telling statistic was the 10 offsides that ruled out 3 neat Argentina goals in the first half. Now don’t get me wrong, the mouse doesn’t like bone-saws, and when you’re offside by an ear, you’re offside by an ear, but such are the paper-thin margins of World Cup football.
The mouse must also declare that in this house, we have a lot of time for suave Saudi coach Herve Renard. He open-shirt coached Zambia to their only, unexpected Africa Cup of Nations title back in 2012, and helped heal the national scars of a plane crash that killed their entire side 20 years earlier. Then, feeling bad about having beaten Ivory Coast on penalties, he open-shirt coached Ivory Coast to their own title three years later. After yesterday’s performance with Saudi, there’s a good chance Herve will become the first open-shirt Secretary General of the United Nations.
Mexico 0 – 0 Poland Following the morning’s shock result, these boys did the only respectable thing and boycotted all goals. Well played guys.
Denmark 0 – 0 Tunisia These guys too. Well done.
France 4 – 1 Australia Not the French though. Typical French.
Postamble
Right well, on with the show. We’ve got four more games to work through and… ah, who are we kidding? There’s more Argentina guff to sift through… First off, who wants shares in my Tempt-Fates after dinner mints? They are powerful chocolates! Remind me not to order any of those.
Secondly, what the hell happened?! At one point, we were 2-0 up and scoring every second attack. Then goals were disallowed and Saudi hit worldies. Where did that come from? Also, who’s ever heard of being offside by an ear? I mean come on. An ear?! And even then, his ear is being played onside by the defender VAR conveniently decided to forget about… What about that guy!? What about his ears!?
But you know what? Bone-saws. And anyway, Argentina have been here before, in 1990, when both the match and a Cameroon shoe were lost in a violent humdinger. And we still made it to the final. So let’s just suck it up and knuckle down. The mouse has every hope that this will happen again, only this time, Waddle Grealish will score his penalty, and it’ll be Argentina v England in the final, the way it should be… And if that ain't denial, then we ain't in Egpyt.
Pundit-watch
“I’m surprised they’re leaving Mbappe on. Genuinely surprised. The game’s won.” Fifteen minutes left, 4-1 up, and showboating against a tiring Australia defence, Danny Murphy offers his managerial tip on how to keep a star striker happy.
“The referee should blow for the game. The extra time’s done. The game’s done.” Danny doesn’t like time-keeping. “The game’s dead.” He wants to be back in his hotel bed with a tub of quality street.
Kit of the Day
Not content with stitching their new tiny star on top of the national crest, France have slapped a giant gold World Cup trophy on their chest and engoldened the numbers on their back. I mean, please, we’re all happy for you, but pick one.
Goal of the Day
Al-Dawsari, the stuff of legend. He got one chance in 9000 minutes and he lashed it home. It also had the decency to hang in the air a bit, to make sure all 88,000+ fans could get to their feet and cheer it home. Apparently, some crowd roars in Mexico City can be measured on the Richter scale, I imagine Al-Dawsari’s belter would have charted.
Doppellëtter
Leo Messi = Lance Marmstrong Lee Mmack Lou Mega
Win Predictions
Germany v Japan
11 year old: “Germany!”
7 year old: “Is Mama from Japan?” “No.” “Ok, Germany.”
Coloured Dice: Yellow
Spain v Costa Rica
11 year old: “Spain!”
7 year old: “Costa Rica! (Lilly went there)”
Coloured Dice: Green
Morocco v Croatia
11 year old: “Croatia!”
7 year old: “Morocco.”
Coloured Dice: Red
Belgium v Canada
11 year old: “Belgium!”
7 year old: “Canada. We were learning about it in year 2. They live in mud huts.” “Do they?” “Wait, that was Kenya. Belgium”
Coloured Dice: Red
Red dice spells danger…
Tally
11 year old: -£1.47
7 year old: -£1.47
Lay the favourite, you know what they say…