Once In A Lifetime

By Mark Daniell

10/07/2018

Is it really coming home? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking are we going to win, that’s a question for the kids, and we’ll get there. But more importantly given the plague sweeping the nation, can we honestly lay claim to being the home of football and so the patient parents to the prodigal son? 

If we think about our relationship with football in terms of World Cups, we’re not so much its home but rather a host family for an attractive exchange student who came to stay when we were teenagers, snuck into our room one night and never left a forwarding address. The fact is, this is England’s third semi ever. That’s not a great track record. Also, if we’re talking trophies, that puppy has never even been here, so it’s a hard case to make that it’s coming home.

Ok fine, so we’re not the home of World Cup football, but we’re the home of the essence of football. We invented it, or parts of it, along with Scotland and some other randoms. But whatever, our public schools codified it, or parts of it, and most of those codes have changed now. Whatever. Who invented the offside rule? Was that us? If that was us then fine, it’s coming home. But if that was Switzerland, ah man, they ruin everything.

Ok, ok. Let's just say we did invent football, surely those bragging rights went out the window the first time we lost to Scotland? No? I’d have thought so.

So you see, it’s not the mercilessly flat earworm of Three Lions, it’s not the dire productions values, it’s not even the existential love handles that saddle the mind’s hips as the mouse watches middle aged men pogo to it on hot London nights; it’s just the factual ambiguity over whether it would even count as coming home in the first place that says, hey guys, just sing Olé Olé? Please?

Anyway, if dirgey beer vocals are the price we have to pay for a once in a lifetime World Cup victory, fine. I’ll take that. And on to more important things: Dem kids.

Who’s going to win between England and Sweden?

3 year old: England!

Yess!

Who’s going to win between Russia and Croatia?

7 year old: (shakes his head and sighs) It’s going to be a tie. And Croatia will win on penalties. (he didn’t sound happy about it)

I mean, that’s creepily accurate. They’re really starting to feel the pulse of this World Cup.

Kit of the day:

England away. Now you may ask yourself, why were England wearing their away kit back in 1966? And then you may ask yourself, how come it’s taken me this long to ask that question? And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful house. And you may tell yourself, this is not my beautiful wife.

Name of the day:

John Stones

As in: Hey John, what’s the name of that baby shampoo you and your children make?

John Stones and John’s sons?

Course it is Stonesy, course it is.

Goal of the day:

Denis Cheryshev takes the ball, drives towards goal and unleashes a top corner wonderstrike that has the world asking, what have they put in Russia’s lucozade? It didn’t last, but for a while there, Russia was bouncing.

Moment of the day:

Dele Alli. Not content with being named after the lead singer of Blondie, our man knows how to beat an offside trap and nod England into a 2-0 lead. At 1-0 it’s all nerves and fear. 2-0 is the good times. 2-0 is sitting back, using your pace and counter attacking. 2-0 is when you get to enjoy football. Who on earth can remember sitting in the pub during a World Cup quarter final with England 2-0 up and half an hour to go? In the words of Dane and Victoria: shut up and forget about it.

And so over to the francophone side of the draw. Anyone who’s spent any time there will know the relationship between these two countries: France look down on Belgium, Belgium think they’re twats. As with most little and large neighbours, plenty of things we think of as French are in fact Belgian: the smurfs, chips with mayonnaise, kissing with tongues... so tonight, in support of an old childhood friend, and in spite of the fact that an England France World Cup final would be epic, the mouse is rooting for Les Belges!

Kidictions:

Who’s going to win between France and Belgium?

3 year old: Belgium!

7 year old: I want Belgium to win

But who’s going to win?

3 year old: Belgium!

7 year old: (long think) Belgium.

There you go.