One Nil Wednesday

By Mark Daniell

21/06/2018

Well I make that One Nil Wednesday: Lots of feisty performances, ultimately unrewarded and not a lot to report. Once again, there was no surprise in the immediate support Iran gained in the pub: the love of the underdog will always trump any political sentiment whatsoever. Until, that is, an actual Iranian dude pops up and starts talking to you. Whatever mate, I just don’t like Ramos.

So how did the kids do?

Who’s going to win? Portugal or Morocco?

3 year old: Morocco

She’s gutsy, I’ll give her that. But that’s another £2 down.

Who’s going to win? Uruguay or Saudi Arabia?

7 year old: Uruguay

He played it safe there. But that’s how you get your mojo going.

So, to important points and the question on everyone's lips, what’s the thinking behind that dinosaur at the end of the Liverpool Nivea ad? The way I see it, there’s only one way that can have come about: 

Guys, isn’t it a bit feminine us all using moisturiser and shit?

Shut the fuck up James Milner, you use more moisturiser than any of us.

Yeah, but that’s in private like. Don’t get me wrong, the cash is great and that, but what if people think we’re ponces?

You are a ponce James Milner.

Yeah I know, but nobody else needs to know that.

Would it make you feel better if a fucking huge dinosaur stamped on you and your mazda at the end?

That’d be great, ta.

Celebrity spot of the day:

Fernando Hierro = Lee Evans

Name of the day:

Nacho

As in: that’s nacho cheese. Well whose cheese is it then? Nacho’s. I get that, but who’s is it then? (this conversation will only end in a fight)

Goal of the day:

It has to be Ezatolahi’s disallowed equaliser for Iran. Firstly because nobody thought Iran would even have a shot on target, let alone put the ball in the net, and secondly because for about 30 seconds at least, it was party time in Iran, and Portugal, and every pub in London. And then the VARty poopers turned up.

Kit of the day:

Turns out, One Nil Wednesday is also inverted kit day, where everyone plays in each other’s colours: Portugal v Morocco. You see red shirts and green shorts, that’s Portugal, right? Wrong! Spain v Iran. Red shirts? That’s Spain, right? Wrong! Only Uruguay stuck to their light blue, but nobody watched that game.

Moment of the day:

Alan Sugar tweets a racist picture of the Senegal team as Marbella street hawkers then plays the victim of intolerant internet types as he takes it down. Next thing you know, he’s plugging his new business in the ensuing twitter spotlight and Piers Morgan is trying to rub his belly on some of the attention. To my mind, this only confirms the suspicion that most of the time, Twitter is just poo in a box. What’s this? a box? I wonder what’s… oh, it’s poo. 

Today’s kidictions:

Who’s going to win? Denmark or Australia?

3 year old: Australia

Who’s going to win? France or Peru?

7 year old: France