Penalty Shout Outs
By Mark Daniell
04/07/2018
Well, that was exciting wasn’t it? Who would have thought that it only takes a weak, deflected shot to send Sweden into the quarters? Ha ha, not really, that game was boring as shit. Let’s skip straight to the miracle penalty shootout.
What have we learnt? First off, excuse me Jordan (not you Picachu, you did well, I’m talking to Henderpoo), what’s the point in paying £5m to MKSSPPS if you’re not going to slam it top left? That’s literally the only thing we teach. And you decide to place it at a nice saveable height on the right? That won’t do, Henderpoo (all the Jordans have Pokemon names). No matter what Danny Murphy says about that being “a good penalty”, Danny Murphy’s not your penalty guru, the Mouse is, so pay more attention. And while we’re at it, Dier, you got lucky and you know it. Next time, do what Trippier does: Lace it top left. Trippy’s read the script.
Also, let’s take a minute to sit back and marvel at Colombia, masters of arts so dark we didn’t even know they were arts. The mane-shake headbutt in the wall? That’s a nice interpretation of an old classic. The rugby tackle off a corner? That’s sooo group stages. But scuffing up the penalty spot while arguing with the ref? Congratulations Colombia number 17, that’s Rumsfeldian in its darkness.
But to the positives: Harry “it’s Kaning pens” Kane (the Mouse is copyrighting that) is getting his money’s worth: 6 goals from 6 shots on target in the World Cup + a shootout pen. Harryluah!
Second, respect to Alan Shearer for trying to spread the message about not singing “It’s coming home” anymore. The best way to get the point across is to show what a bald, middle-aged man looks and sounds like as he debases himself with tuneless 90s witterings. Al sacrificed himself for the greater good there, now can we please all pay heed?
So anyway, onto the serious business. What about dem kids?
Who’s going to win between England and Colombia?
3 year old: England!
7 year old: England, 2-1, because both sides are good.
Well done guys. They were the only ones in the country who weren’t nervous as Mina scored in the 93rd minute. Mostly because they were both asleep.
Kit of the day:
Colombia’s lemon meringue pie. Naturally, you think of yellow shirts, you think Brazil, but quietly Colombia have been staking a claim and Adidas have continued their 90s nostalgia trip with a nod to the Valderama days. Tasty!
Name of the day:
James Rodriguez
As in: Other than cheese, what’s in this toastie?
James
Haircut wars of the day:
Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown, Manuel.
Akanji might have googled that before heading to the barbers yesterday. Then again, Shakespeare can be confusing. What he was trying to say was: Hey Mr Switz! if you’re going to shave a crown into your dome, don’t then deflect a weak shot past your own keeps, yeah? (Henry IV part II)
Goal of the day:
Mina scoring in injury time against England. Not so much for the goal itself, which owed a lot to a sudden and unprecedented display of ‘shrinking Trippier syndrome’, but rather because it came off a corner that was awarded for the shot of the day: Uribe’s 30 yard cannonball volley that was tipped wide by Picachu. How do you collectively freeze the minds, bodies and voices of an entire nation? 30 yard top bins volley in injury time will do it.
Moment of the day:
Owing to Brett breaking his wrist back in March and rescheduling his gig to last night, The Mouse watched the England penalty shootout on a stranger’s phone while sitting in the audience of the Flight Of The Conchords.
If ever the next Einstein needs an analogy to explain the illusion of time and that there’s no distinction between past, present and future, she can use the varying delays on mobile networks.
Make sense? No? Try giving a shit about what’s happening on your phone when the phone two rows in front is twenty seconds ahead.
In fairness to the Conchords, they stopped playing, asked what the fuss was about, and switched on the big screen to show Eric Dier running off in celebration. The single weirdest penalty shootout viewing ever.
But who cares? England win. Picachu demonstrates the new “punch your lawnmower” celebration, and we’re into the quarters, baby!
Friday's Kidictions:
Who’s going to win between Brazil and Belgium?
3 year old: Belgium!
Who’s going to win between Uruguay and France?
7 year old: (Long, considered pause) France.
There you go!