Penalty Sunday
By Mark Daniell
02/07/2018
Two days, twenty one penalties, eight misses. That’s not the great display of man-kicks-ball that we expected of the World Cup. But given that such technically gifted players as Messi, Ronaldo and Modric have all missed, the big question is, what stops them from poking home a shot from 12 yards out? And could you do it?
To find out, let’s look at the thought process of a player approaching a penalty kick:
Pick a side. Ok. left. Don’t Change your mind dude. Remember what the footy shrink said. Look at the side you're going to hit and focus on that.
Wait, did keeps just see that? He’s guessed left. He’s going left. Ok fine, go right.
But the shrink said don’t change your mind. Doesn’t matter. Just go right. But don’t look at right or keeps will guess again.
Ok then, keep looking left, but think right. Keep your poker face. Like Lady Gaga. Poker face. Ra Ra ooh La La. Wait, isn’t that Bad Romance? They all sound the same. Classic Gaga. Gaga would just Panenka this peno. Should I panenka? That would be nails. But what if keeps guesses? Then I’m just chipping it back to him. Forget it Gaga, we’re not panenkaing. Ref’s blown his whistle. It’s now or never. Wait. Which side did we say again? Doesn’t matter, just pick a side. Ok left. No wait. Ah shit.
Turn around and pull your shirt over your head.
Yeah, it’s not pretty. But the good news is the Mouse can help: Introducing Mouse and Keys specialist sports psychologist penalty shrink. (or MKSSPPS for short).
This is how it works: you pay Mouse and Keys £1m pounds per session (yeah, £1m, so you know it's good. You know it’s 100% going to get you to score all your penalties) and the course is a minimum of 5 sessions.
Now for the session - which, remember, is 100% going to get you to score all your penalties - Here we go:
…
Smash it in the top left corner.
There you go. All psychology, double bluff, mind-games are eliminated. You just smash it top left. Instantly you become Harry Kane: quick-footed, slow-witted, goal-machine Kane. King Harold of Kanadia. In-Kane in the membrane. It's Kaning pens, Harrylujah! (?)
And by the way, if you ever dream of doubting the technique, remember you paid £5m for it. So don’t. (Early bird discount available for England players if they sign up before the Colombia game.)
Anyway, back to the important stuff, let’s see how the kids did.
Who’s going to win between France and Argentina?
3 year old: (whispers) Argentina
Who’s going to win between Spain and Russia?
7 year old: Spain
yeah, not a great day in kidiction land.
Kit of the weekend:
Argentina. Now I know this is already everyone’s favourite football kit (especially this time round with the pixelated super light blue stripes) but special mention goes to Aguero’s unique stylisation of his shirt by slicing a sexy v-neck down the front. You sexy legend, you.
Name of the Weekend
Jonas Knudsen.
As in: dad, why does Jonas have tattoos in his eyelids?
Cause he’s knudsson. He’s kn-ud.
Haircut Wars of the weekend:
Vida’s horsetail vs Schmeichel’s mane. Tails wins.
Goal of the weekend:
Pavard against Argentina. 9 times out of 10 that goes for a throw in. I’m still not sure of the physics of if, not to mention the trigonometry, history or biology. In fact, can we get a mathematician to check that was possible? Because sometimes they make mistakes, you know, typos in the code or something.
Moment of the weekend:
Argentina 3 France 4. Minute 94. Last throw of the dice, the ball goes from keeps to defence, out wide to the right wing, crossfield to the left wing, rakes into the six yard box where di Maria tries an audacious ankle flick that tips agonisingly over the bar. Peep Peeeep. The best game of the tournament ends with a result even the French kind of resent.
Sadly, we’re probably going to have to say goodbye to Messi in World Cups. And now that it’s passed, you can admit it, in spite of all the jibber jabber, deep down you wanted him to win one. Everybody did, because it would have suggested order and reason and fairness in the cosmos. It would hint that our programmers haven’t just run a random simulation.
But no. Messi has to make do with another what if? Frankly, he’s had a bit of rum deal. 2006, he was left on the subs bench on his 19th birthday as Argentina went out to Germany on penalties. 2010 he was given the entirely inexperienced and wholly inept Maradona as manager. 2014 he got his team to the final and lost in extra time. 2018, there wasn’t enough gas in the tank.
I know there are those out there who believe his failure to win the World Cup taints him, but under his captaincy Argentina have got to three finals in four years, each time losing by the narrowest of margins. In another universe, Argentina won those three finals and are heralded as one of the great international sides. But hey, not in this one.
For what it’s worth, the Mouse for one feels privileged to have seen Messi play for Argentina.
Today’s kidictions:
Who’s going to win between Belgium and Japan?
7 year old: (long pause) Belgium
3 year old: Belgium!
2 year old (cousin): (silence)
Belgium?
2: no
Japan?
2: no
ok then, Belgium win on penalties.