Qatar Be There

By Mark Daniell

20/11/2022

Preamble

And here we are again. Does it feel like four years? Normally, when you measure your life in World Cups (don’t do it) you feel unfairly old. You can’t believe it was four whole years ago that Lampard’s goal was ghosted, or Materazzi jive-talked Zizou, or Nessun Dorma became a popular baby name on Tyneside. But this time, for once, it actually does. For once, the last World Cup feels consigned to the past. That pre-pandemic, pre-Russian invasion past, before No Time To Die, when we naïvely thought there were only four letters in LGBT and Wordle amnesia didn't exist.

And then, somewhere between 2018 and today, somebody dicked with the simulation settings and everything turned to shit. Well, the good news is, all that goes on hold for four weeks. Because the World Cup’s in town now baby, and nothing else matters!

Amble

Now of course, I know what you’re thinking, because it’s the only thing anyone’s talking about. You’re thinking, Gianni Infantino was a redhead? I did not see that coming. But there it is. And now you’re thinking, what about collars and cuffs, eh? But we'll have to wait until the closing ceremony before Gianni reveals that bombshell. Which is a shame, because it will cast a shadow on Harry Kane picking up his winner's medal. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Before the closing ceremony we’ve got the opening ceremony, and before the opening ceremony we’ve got Gianni likening himself like Jesus, asking those without sin to cast the first stone. Now, as a rule, I like it when people liken themselves to Jesus, because it only ends well. But in this case, Gianni is being paid by the stonee he’s defending, which feels a bit less Jesusy and bit more lawyery, if you ask me. Nice try though. And besides, the important part is we now know who’s fault this whole shitshow is: that big-mouth bully who mocked Baby Infantino at school. If Ashton Kutcher could only butterfly effect his way back to that womb, we might have some beer in our stadiums.

Postamble

So on with the show. And what a show – The World Cup is the best sporting spectacle in the world and you know it. You can keep your ‘olympic’ games and your ‘super’ bowls. This cup is ‘World’, and you can’t get bigger than that, not on this planet at least. Besides, in case you didn’t pick up on it earlier, this time we’re going to win it.

You may not think so yet, but the year ends in a double, and that's when we won last time. Science. Also, we're on a run: 2018... Semi final; 2020... Final; 2022… Winners! Maths. And you can’t argue with science and maths, not in 2022. Also, there’s the fact that we’ve got a great team and a boring manager, the two vital ingredients when it comes to winning tournaments. So it's case closed. England to win by Christmas.

But there will be a price, just to warn you, which is of course we’re all going to look like glaring hypocrites when we celebrate winning this trophy. But then, we've all been around long enough not to give a shit about that. 

Pundit-watch

1. Ashley Williams extra combload of SoulGlow in his beard is the touch of class none of us knew we needed.

2. Gary forgot his autocue guy’s birthday and found himself having to read the closing line “Today, we’re feeling.. Ecuador?” without knowing if it was a pun, a grammatical mistake, or a savage BBC snipe at Gianni Infantino’s Jesus complex. He went with pun.

Kit of the Day

Ecuador's kit is made by Marathon. Wins every time.

Goal of the Day

Ecuador took 3 minutes to tip cold November rain on Qatar's multi-billion dollar parade, thanks to two failed goalkeeper punches, a bicyle assist and a calm head home. It was promptly ruled out by VAR, on the grounds that it wasn't fair after all that money. Luckily, after ten minutes of CGI work, we got two Pixar figures and an offside knee. Sorted.

Win Predictions

England v Iran

11 year old: “England!”

7 year old: “England!”

Coloured Dice: Red

Senegal v Netherlands

11 year old: “Netherlands!”

7 year old: “Netherlands!”

Coloured Dice: Green

USA v Wales

11 year old: “Wales!”

7 year old: “Wales!”

Coloured Dice: Black

My guess is this will start to mean something by the time the tournament ends…

Tally (they get £1 each, and both guessed Ecuador)

11 year old: £1.20

7 year old: £1.20

Coloured Dice: Brown