Regression To The Spleen

By Mark Daniell

26/11/2022

Preamble

Apparently, alongside not knowing much about History and the French he took, Sam Cooke (with and E) didn’t know about Regression to the Mean. But his producer said, “Sam Cooke with an E, that won’t work, nobody knows about regression to the mean. Also, it doesn’t scan.” So he changed it to Trigonometry, even though he loved Pythagoras.

Anyway, if anyone does want to know what regression to the mean is, England provided a timely reminder last night. Turns out excitement is quantifiable, and that after the Iran game, we were in debt to dull. Consider that debt paid.

Amble

Wales 0 – 2 Iran Traditionally, when you lose in the 98th minute you feel pretty hard done by. But turns out you can mitigate this feeling by a) playing against a country in turmoil, b) using your keeper as a battering ram and c) being shit. It’s all about perspective, innit?

Qatar 1 – 3 Senegal Qatar’s World Cup goal was a peach. A great cross-field ball, controlled and swung back into the danger area, headed home decisively at the far post. Clinical. Senegal will have to give the rest of the money back though.

The Netherlands 1 – 1 Ecuador The Netherlands looked dead classy until suddenly they didn’t. That’s because The Netherlands thought all Ecuador had to offer was an eagle flying over a lady dancing to europop on a volcano. But it turns out that’s only part of what Ecuador has to offer. They also have Enner Valencia, and he scored.

England 0 – 0 USA I’ve said it before, you have to be rubbish in the groups if you want to win this thing. England checking that box neatly.

Postamble

Yes, there are other games being played today, but after the Saudi shambles, Argentina need to win to redeem any semblance of authority. With any luck, that loss will galvanise the team into a less complacent, more efficient unit, who can keep their ears onside for a change.

Meanwhile, if you need some Sunday entertainment to recover from the USA England dirge, why not check out the latest episode from our resident podcaster, Ray Black?

Pundit-watch

Lee Dixon tries desperately to drum up some excitement in the England game: “Harry Maguire wipes his whole head, sweeps his hair out of the way, because he knows what’s coming…” Yes Lee, it’s a corner. The game’s a dud.

Kit of the Day

Majid knew what the brief was when they designed Iran’s kit: whatever the morality police say. MS Paint graphics? Red splodge? Green splodge? Leave the background white? That’ll do.

Goal of the Day

97 minutes gone, 0-0 and Iran look like they’re out. The corner is cleared, the ball drops to Cheshmi who batters it in from outside the box. The resistance survives.

Goal of the day goes to Qatar though. The most expensive in sporting history.

Doppellëtter

Harry Kane = Hugh Kearnley-Whittingstall The Hairy Kikers Hyacinth Kucket

Win Predictions

Tunisia v Australia

11 year old: “Draw”

7 year old: “Australia!”

Coloured Dice: Yellow

Poland v Saudi Arabia

11 year old: “Poland!”

7 year old: “Poland!”

Coloured Dice: Black

France v Denmark

11 year old: “France!”

7 year old: “Draw!”

Coloured Dice: Blue

Argentina v Mexico

11 year old: “Argentina!”

7 year old: “Draw! No, Argentina. Not draw.”

Coloured Dice: Green

The draws are creeping in

Tally

11 year old: -£5.97

7 year old: -£7.27

Not sure who feels harder done by, the Qatari bribers, or the 7 year old