The Lav Inchy Code
By Mark Daniell
24/06/2011
Often is the time I’ve wondered about the logic of attributing numbers to ablutions. You know what I mean, “Keep the car running, it’s only a number one.” Or “Make yourself a sandwich, it’s beginning to feel like a number two.” That sort of thing.
The trouble with using numbers as euphemisms is that numbers operate on a scale, and it’s only natural to wonder which ablutions might feature further down the number line. Picture the scene: “Hey buddy, where’s the can? There’s a number three on the way right here.”
What are we all expecting? Instinctively I’m thinking of a pee and poo combo, since, obviously 1+2=3. But although mathematically accurate, in the real world this doesn’t cut much mustard. If it did, we’d inevitably hear the expression a lot more because, let’s be frank, a number two presupposes a number one. And anyway, two number ones do not make a turd, no matter how long you spend in there, so it just doesn’t work that way.
So if maths is to be dismissed perhaps we can instead interpret the numbering as indicative of some sort of scale, a Beaufort for broken wind, if you like. A number two is certainly more energetic than a number one, perhaps a sliding scale of effort is what is being measured. In which case a number three might be describing a vom, which would be nice as it opens up the numbering system to representing different orifices. Sequentially that would suggest a number four as a vigorous blowing of the nose, and number five as a bout of sobbing.
Of course linear extensions don’t only move in one direction, leaving us with no alternative but to invert the bodily function when the scale dips below zero. I don't think there'll be much arguing with the following scale of euphemistic loo numbers:
Number 5: Tears
Number 4: Blow Nose
Number 3: Vom
Number 2: Poo
Number 1: Pee
Number 0: Inactive
Number -1: Catheter
Number -2: Enema
Number -3: Eating
Number -4: Coke Habit
Number -5: Eye Drops
Which would suggest that using eye drops while taking a dump is the same as meeting someone for lunch.