The Lull
By Mark Daniell
27/06/2014
So what’s this all about? Yesterday there were four footy matches and today nothing. To me that smacks of bingeing, which is hardly the right example for FIFA to be setting at a World Cup as sponsored by Coca Cola, McDonald’s and Budweiser.
Of course, if you’re anything like me you’ll have Sky plussed a couple of games from the last few days and not told your wife that there’s no footy tonight, job done. But for all you guys who didn’t think ahead, don’t fret, there’s the weekend ahead of us and that means it’s the round of 16. And yet, before we get there, let’s have a quick look at the FIFA disciplinary committee’s sentencing of Luis “Luisito” Suarez (I’ve rarely had more fun reading tabloid newspapers as I have when looking online at Uruguay’s La Republica – Chiellini is to blame, the English press is to blame, FIFA is to blame, basically everyone has got it in for Luisito. And let’s not forget Luisito clearly has a problem, he’s to be shielded and nursed back to health, not persecuted! Banning him from football is not only a crime against a vulnerable, innocent victim, it’s a crime against Uruguay, and when you think of the impact it will have, it’s a crime against humanity!) They said it was as if the whole of Uruguay had been kicked out of the World Cup, but let’s not be so hasty, Uruguay are after all still in it, and they’re up against some familiar opposition in Colombia, so have a real chance of going through, even if Luisito has been banned for four months from “all football-related activity”.
All. Football-related. Activity. I would love to hear the conversation between FIFA’s disciplinary committee and Luisito and the lawyeritos.
“Friendlies?” “No.”
“Training with my teammates?” “No.”
“Keepy uppy in the park?” “That’s out.”
“How about playing FIFA 14 on PS4?” “Nope.”
“Watching the rest of the World Cup on TV?” “Out.”
“Watching Escape to Victory on TV?” “No.”
“Baking and eating a football-shaped cake for my son’s birthday?” “Not likely.”
“Buying a bunch of flowers for my wife the day before a match so that I’m in the good books and can watch it?” “Nope.”
“Buying flowers for my wife for any other reason?” “During a World Cup?” “Yes.” “Then no.”
“Staring longingly at the moon and contemplating how it looks like a giant, perfectly-pumped football…” “Stop that.”
“Reading the Republica newspaper?” “Only bits that aren’t… actually no.”
“Completing a cryptic crossword only to discover that the answer to 11 across is Plymouth Argyll?” “Banned.”
“Unintentionally thinking about these Mexican TV presenters?” “No, not allowed, not even them.”
“Thinking about Chiles’s confusing shirt and shorts combo?” “That’s ok.”
“Ordering Italian food?” “Nope.”
“Biting?” “Definitely not.”
“Fantuti?” “Fantuti is the essence of football-related activity. There’s no way Luisito is allowed to play Fantuti.”
“Sitting at home watching TV with my hand down my trousers?” “Luis, how quickly you’ve let yourself go…”
Anyway, that’s that for Luisito. Liverpool would be insane to sell him, but it may be inevitable. He might, after all, believe the gumpf they’re writing in Uruguay and think it’s us who are getting him banned. Liverpool might as well use this opportunity to find a good replacement, that Belgian guy Origi looks pretty good…
Now, we’re not in the business of predicting things around my neck of the woods, just look where my fiver on the draw between Germany and USA went… Damned Mueller! That game had a comfy 0-0 written all over it. USA didn’t even register a shot on target. But noooooo, Thomas Mueller wants to gatecrash the Neymar Messi party...
So, instead of predicting results, how about we try to guess how many shoot-outs there’ll be in the round of 16? One? Two? There’s going to be some tight matches… Either way, I don’t know about you, but I’m off to watch sky plus and eat burgers, soft drinks and beer until I’m brimming with sick and remorse.