The Master Puppeteer
By Mark Daniell
29/06/2018
Well, I don’t know. Was that part of the plan? Did we get lucky? Did we get what we wanted without really knowing what we wanted? Well, I don’t know.
Basically, England v Belgium played out in the same way that a parent plays snakes and ladders with their child before bedtime. If you win, there’re tears of defeat, but if you let slip that you’re losing on purpose, there’s a tantrum because you’re not taking it seriously. At the same time, you don’t want the game to go on forever, because you know, it’s bedtime, and you want a beer. So you have find ways to facilitate them winning, subtle ones, but quick ones too, and basically it’s a minefield: worst case scenario, you cock it up and slip down to the bottom of the table.
That’s what we were dealing with, but in the football case, there was no toddler, just two fathers using the same, “Oh I rolled a six, but wait, cock dice, let me roll again” tactics.
ITV knew what was going on:
Tyldesley: “Belgium are going to get exactly what they want, aren’t they?”
Hoddle: “Yes.”
Cue Adnan Januzaj to melt a left footed peach from range and put Belgium into the tough half of the draw.
In snakes and ladders terms, that’s like your kid rolling a six, hitting the big ladder and suddenly TV and beer got ten minutes closer.
I honestly spent the next half hour in fear that we might accidentally score. Fortunately, without Kane on the pitch, England know how to avoid accidentally scoring.
Anyway, here we are, in the undeniably easier side of the draw, with the most probable route to the final consisting of Colombia (and the suggestion of an injured James?), Switzerland, and either Spain or Croatia (Given Spain's ludicrous manager situation, and Croatia's 100% start, I can’t call between those two, we’ll have to get 3 year old on the case when the time comes).
That's Colombia, Switzerland and Croatia? And the remote possibility of an Argentina England final, which is all the Mouse has ever wanted. From where I'm sitting, that makes Gareth The Master Puppeteer. But the naysayers will ask, at what cost? Was it wise to break the momentum of a 5-goals-in-2-games Harry Kane? Imagine if he’d scored: he’d be two goals clear as top scorer in the World Cup, with Japan up next and the quarter finals in sight. He’d be a rampant tiger in a house of hens! Even Brazil would fear him.
To put it another way, does craftiness have any place in the world of team mojo? I guess we’ll find out.
In the meantime, let’s see how the kids did:
Who’s going to win between England and Belgium?
3 year old: Belgium
7 year old: and Belgium will top the group.
Er, are we all ok with that? I think we want England to win, right?
7: Of course.
So who’s going to win?
3: Belgium
7: Belgium
you never doubted them anyway.
Who’s going to win Senegal or Colombia?
7 year old: Tie
well, it should’ve been a “tie”. They’d both have gone through if so. Those guys need to read these things more closely.
Hair wars of the day:
I was planning on giving to Harry Kane, but he didn’t play, so instead Fellaini’s underwatered box hedge takes it. Hey, if you walk down any side street in Fulham you’ll see this is a serious problem people!
Kit of the day:
Senegal: it may look like a green shirt, but don’t let that fool you, it’s actually a lion about to rip your face off. Also, it reveals a hidden gemfield of individual backstories that Puma has drafted beneath each shirt. I’ve taken the time, the winner is Ghana, which Puma have genuinely subtitled, Who you Ghana Call?
Name of the day
Belgium’s Leander Dendoncker
As in: My wife can’t sleep at night.
Dendoncker.
I don’t understand, what are you saying?
You love your wife?
Of course.
And she can’t sleep at night?
No.
Dendoncker.
Goal of the day:
Adnan Januzaj either had his own script, hadn’t read the team script, or had read the script but fluffed the lines spectacularly. We’ve all been there, you want to make it look like you’re trying to score, but fully intend to boot it into the hedge, trouble is, you connect way too sweetly and sail a left foot screamer past Jordan Pickford in front of 60,000 fans. That stuff happens.
Moment of the day:
Poland take the lead against Japan and for a while Senegal are in the only African side in the second round. It didn’t last, but in Brixton market (where the Mouse was looking for knock off Nigeria kids shirts – if anyone knows where you can find those, let me know) it really fired up the crowd.
Now, I don’t know what to say about today. I mean, no football? No football? we’ve had four games a day for a week and now nothing? Just saying I wouldn’t do that to my junkies.
But no matter, tomorrow is when it gets real, or more real, as it’s been pretty real for a lot of us for a while now, too real in some cases.
Kidictions
Who’s going to win between France and Argentina?
3 year old (in a whisper): Argentina
Who's going to win between Spain and Russia?
7 year old: Spain, I hope.
How come?
7: It's on the list at school.