The Wisdom Of Danny Murphy
By Mark Daniell
11/07/2018
Ok, let’s cut to the chase. Danny Murphy. Please. No more. Listening to DM on commentary is like accidentally hitting the Audio Description button on your remote. You know, the one where someone just drones on, stating the obvious until you switch it off? They should call it the Danny Murphy button. Except you can’t switch Danny Murphy off. And your AD button isn’t about to have a restraining order taken out against it by Mbappe.
Witness The Wisdom Of Danny:
“Yeah, it’s a foul. Got his body in the way.”
DM says what he sees. In case you can’t.
“De Bruyne does what he does.”
While DM adds nothing.
“He just has to lift it.”
Again, DM says what he sees, but this time, it’s in his mind’s eye, where DM is a world class striker chasing down a keeper in the World Cup semi final. Remember that Danny? No? Doesn’t matter, carry on.
Steve Wilson: “The last World Cup semi I commented on was 5-0 at this point”
Danny ‘low watt’ Murphy: “Was that the 7-1?”
Then again, it’s difficult to think fast when you’ve fallen in love…
“You may not have heard of him before this tournament…”
Are you talking about the second most expensive footballer ever?
“0-60 in one second”
Take it easy Danny.
“Such a young man”
Ok champ, why don’t you sit a couple of plays out?
“He’s been unbelievable. No other word for it.”
If Mbappe goes missing, I know where they should look first.
And then this timeless gem:
“It’s difficult when you’ve got a player down because you know it’s going to add more injury time and you want to get the game done.”
DM explaining how time wasting is hardest on the time wasters.
“It’s been a nearly night.”
DM calls time in the 88th minute. What about all that injury time Danny? Remember that injury time? That injury time you just used as a counter argument to time wasting? Apparently you don’t remember that injury time Danny.
In fairness, Danny’s simpletalk does highlight how time wasting is the hardest part of the game to love. The part that’s only justifiable through the belief that given the chance, the other team would do it worse. Which I think is the same justification for genocide. So you know, not a great one.
Anyway, there are two types of time wasting: There’s the mildly annoying “you want the ball? What this ball? Where do you want it? Over here? Not over there? Sorry, you should have said sooner.” And there’s the excrutiating, Sergio Ramos patented, “I’m just going to lie on the floor until you stop playing.” Let’s see if Danny can spot the difference:
Matuidi lies on the floor. Nobody stops. Eventually the ball is kicked out. The physio runs on:
Do you want two shampoos or one?
Two please
Conditioner?
Yes please.
And a head massage?
Yes please.
Cold rinse?
No.
No?
Ok yes.
You look like you’ve had a long day. I’ll make sure it’s a long massage.
DM: It’s difficult when you’ve got a player down because you know it’s going to add more injury time and you want to get the game done.” Is it Danny? Is it? You know, there’s an emoji for your words, and it’s shaped like a poo.
But what about dem kids?
Who’s going to win between France and Belgium?
3 year old: Belgium!
7 year old: I want Belgium to win
But who’s going to win?
3 year old: Belgium!
7 year old: (long think) Belgium.
Good to get that blip out of the way before tonight’s game, eh kids?
Kit of the day:
France’s two tone blue wetsuit. It’s clever because it means you have to use the plural to describe it synecdochally: Les Bleus. Which surely was the point, non?
Name of the day:
Romelu Lukaku
As in: Turkey: 15.07.2016
Lukaku!
Celebrity Spot of the day:
Thibault Courtois = Jacob Rees-Mogg
Goal of the day:
Umtiti glances home a corner for the only goal of the day. Great saves at both ends kept better goals at bay, but sometimes all you need is to do the basics right. England can do well to remember that tonight.
Moment of the day:
Mbappe’s backheel pass to Giroud. He may have to deal with sexpest snapchats from his new superfan, but let’s not count that against him: two touch reverse backheels right into the path of strikers in front of goal are just nice to watch. Also, it served to remind us that Giroud is the best thing about this French side: He hasn’t had a shot on target all World Cup and is lining up to be the French Higuain. He gives us all hope.
Kidictions:
Who’s going to win between Croatia and England?
3 year old: England
7 year old: Croatia will score first, then England will win 2-1
Sounds exciting! Now you heard him boys! We’ve got a final to book!