Three Lions 2.0
By Mark Daniell
03/07/2018
Ok, Brazil are through, Japan gave Belgium a scare, and other boring stuff, so let’s cut to the chase: England play Colombia tonight in the most important game since that one against Portugal. No, not that one, the other one. The one where John Motson kept shouting “Maniche!!!”
As “Steve” rightly commented yesterday, can we talk about England’s best chance of getting to a final in living memory? Yes we can Steve, so let’s: First off, no flip flapping about as to which side of the draw is best. We’re in the best side of the draw: Colombia, Switzerland and Croatia? As opposed to Brazil and France? Come on.
Secondly, think about the added advantage of having an easy run. Brazil and France will cripple each other, Belgium will pull hammies and provoke reds. Meanwhile we’ll be safely negotiating a 2-0 route past the Swiss.
Remember Andy Murray’s first Wimbledon title? Djoko had just played Berdych and Del Potro and was knackered. Murray played Verdasco and Janowicz. He won in straight sets.
In conclusion: England beat Belgium in the final 3-0. Kings Road Parade. Sunshine. Bunting. And we cancel Brexit because we're no longer grumpy. 2018: greatest summer ever!
Dude! Shut up! What are you trying to do? Jinx the whole thing?
No. I’m just saying, England have the easiest run…
Shut uuuuup! I’ve already seen two magpies today, thrown some salt over my shoulder and a black cat almost stayed on the side of the road, so we don’t need your voodoo messing things up.
My voodoo?
Voodoo.
Who do?
You do.
Do what?
Remind me of the babe.
(Friday the thirteenth next week, just sayin’)
But before we finally do win a World Cup in colour TV (Duuuuude) can we all please agree to stop using the expression “football’s coming home” or “years of hurt” or anything else risen from the stink pit of 90's England football? That guy with the trumpet? Give it a rest old timer. Nobody goes to a football match to listen to a monotone trumpet flatting out the theme to The Great Escape.
For once we’ve got a bunch of young players who are likely to inspire the next generation of Panini sticker buyers, and we don’t need tuneless nostalgia to get in the way. You don’t really remember that tackle by Moore, or Bobby belting the ball, if you honestly want to sing that song, which you don’t, you need to rewrite the lyrics to include Carlton Palmer, Darren Anderton and Steve Bull. Still gleaming now? No. So put a sock in it.
Ok? Good. Now let’s get back to important matters: Dem kids.
Who’s going to win between Belgium and Japan?
7 year old: (long pause) Belgium
3 year old: Belgium!
2 year old (cousin): (silence)
Belgium?
2: no
Japan?
2: no
ok then, Belgium win on penalties.
There you go. Evidently, what the 2 year-old meant was that Belgium would win in injury time, but his speech is still limited. Nonetheless, the kids are back on track after the weekend blip. Which bodes well for tonight… (Dude! Shut uuuup!)
Kit of the day:
Belgium’s sunset pringle jumper. The good news is, after the World Cup, they can donate their tops to the Ryder Cup team; recycle and reuse baby!
Name of the day:
Takashi Usami
As in: oh yeah? You and who’s army?
Usami.
My army?
Usami.
I don’t have an army.
Exactly.
Haircut wars of the day:
Mexico’s bleach boys: Javier Hernandez, Carlos Salcedo and Miguel Layun.
This is the sort of coordinated plan that makes Mexico a great side, no matter how many times they go out in the second round.
Goal of the day:
Vertonghen’s looping header against Japan. The ball was hoofed skywards and hung in the night air for at least 4 seconds. So what does Vertonghen do? He nods it first time, back up into the night air, over the crowd, and down to shave the crossbar as it lands in the side netting. What else could he do?
Moment of the day:
Neymar’s electric flop dance, writhing on the floor and spasming like an eel in a boat. Now in Neymar’s defence, The Mouse has never had a Mexican tread on his shin pad, but in Neymar’s prosecution, he acted like a tit. Clutching his face, palming the floor in convulsions? If ever there was a reason for England to win the World Cup, it’s to say to the children watching: Hey, he may have cost £200m and have his own shoe line, but there’s no excusing flapping on the floor like a tit. Also, don’t buy Neymar Jr. brand shin pads, they’re obviously useless.
Kidictions
Who’s going to win between England and Colombia?
3 year old: England!
7 year old: England, 2-1, because both sides are good.
Come on England!