Up Da Creek
By Mark Daniell
22/06/2018
You know, I’m not completely sure it’s sensible to entrust your emotional state to a bunch of guys you don’t know as well as you think you do, kicking a ball about in midgy Russia. Something’s up when you end up having a heart-to-heart with your 7 year old son and decide that the only proper way of dealing with things, for both of you, is to watch cartoons at 9:30 at night.
If you look at it objectively, there’s probably one or two good reasons to avoid exposing yourself to that kind of vulnerability.
But objectivity is for wimps kujo! We need Nigeria to trounce Iceland and we’re back in the game. You can call it denial, but this is my eleventh World Cup (the ninth that I can remember) and when you look at it like that, you realise that we don’t have all that many of these things. We need to make the most of each one. And that doesn’t mean going out in the group stages.
So some points:
1. Argentina have turned out to be the bogey team for the VARmints. There was always going to be one team who suffered disproportionately from the tech's teething problems and it turns out it’s us. First game a penalty inexplicably not given. Second game, a red card inexplicably not given.
2. We played such awful football, even I can’t be bothered to put the energy into pursuing point 1.
3. Samps, I thought I said to start with Pavon and bring on Di Maria? I love your tats and all, but Samps, I know you read these things, so next time, Pavon starts, Di Maria subs in at 60. And let’s keep Willy on the bench yeah?
On the plus side, England are playing well, and I’ve tipped them for a 7 game Cup run, so there’s that at least. (Which river in Egypt was that? It's Da NILE!)
But anyway, how did the kids do?
Who’s going to win? Denmark or Australia?
3 year old: Australia
Again, an excellent shout, against the odds but so easily could have happened, but nope, and that’s three in a row. Let’s hope the magic touch comes back soon.
Who’s going to win? France or Peru?
7 year old: France
He’s on it now. two on the spin!
While we’re here, how come no one has thought of a car horn aimed at the cars behind you? Yeah, that’s right, I’m talking about when some douche honks the moment the light turns orange, or when they honk as you’re letting a granny in a wheelchair cross the road, or basically any time anyone honks you. You can’t honk back, because that sounds like you’re honking out the guy in front. And hand gestures are so nineties.
How about a little reverse honk? A parp. From the rear of the car to the car behind, maybe accompanied by a small brown cloud. That would be good.
Name of the day:
Denmark’s Pione Sisto
As in: this?
Goal of the day:
It pains me to say that Modric’s long range curler was a peach, so instead I’m giving goal of the day to Rebic, dirty filthy Rebic, who should have been sent off in the first half for dirt and filth. Turns out, if you really want to kill a team’s mojo, get the keeps to chip the ball to the opposition striker for him to slam it home. That not only breaks the 0-0 deadlock, but it also makes everyone in the stadium, including keeps, crap themselves every time the ball goes back there. Shocker.
Kit of the day:
Peru may have exited the tournament, but at least they looked slick in the process. That red sash makes them look like a bunch of ambassadors who have ditched the DJs and started a kickabout on the grounds. Ferrero Rochers all round your excellencies.
Moment of the day:
It’s Patrice Evra again. This time it’s his extra tight red jumper and blue bowtie combo, worn while slouched so far back in his swivel chair that he basically ended up waving his crotch at Roy Keane all game long. Roy twitched all game long. He’s about to burst.
Today’s kidictions:
Who’s going to win? Nigeria or Iceland?
3 year old: Iceland!
7 year old: no, we don’t want Iceland to win.
3: why?
7: because we want Nigeria to win.
So who’s going to win? Nigeria or Iceland?
3: Nigeria
7: Yes!!