VAR, heurgh! What is it good for?
By Mark Daniell
26/06/2018
There are few things in the world as indignant as an indignant Alan Shearer. And boy does VAR indignify Alan. The trouble is, Alan’s a Geordie, and to Geordies the world is black and white, like a keyboard necktie, or a zebra crossing itself in church, or the Moon after a fight.
“If the ref takes that long to decide, then it’s not clear and obvious.”
What Alan wants is kneejerk. Alan doesn’t do considered, Alan doesn’t do thoughtful. If you have to consider something, that’s not double checking, that’s proof you’re not sure, and that makes you feeble and you should give up refereeing and work down the mines. Bit heavy there, Alan? Too late, can’t change your mind, that’s a sign of weakness.
Clear and Obvious, Clear and Obvious. Alan wants it both Clear and Obvious. How did we settle on that tautology? Everybody’s chanting it, but can’t we just say obvious? Is anything clear but not obvious?
Sometimes a really clean window is so clear that it’s not obvious there’s a window there at all… That’s clear but not obvious.
Ok then, something obvious that’s not clear?
Fog? Fog’s obvious, I mean, you know it’s fog. But it’s not clear, otherwise it wouldn’t be fog.
Ok fine, Clear and Obvious: no tautology.
(just used VAR to check tautology status there, came up with the goods.)
So let’s see how the kids did:
Who’s going to win between Portugal and Iran?
3 year old: No!
No as in, no one?
(silence)
As in a draw?
(silence)
Good to see 3 back on song there.
Who’s going to win between Spain and Morocco?
7 year old: Spain.
Nope, that said, no one saw that Spain result coming, and once again the play-it-safe mentality doesn’t work out. This could end up providing the research basis for an economic Nobel prize-winning investigation into early years game theory.
Kit of the weekend:
Uruguay’s tight fit by Puma, enough to cup and caress Cavani’s man boobs to the extent of causing Cheryshev to score an own goal in confusion.
Name of the Weekend
Hakim Ziyech
As in: You can’t smoke on an aeroplane.
Well how come there’s ziyech tray in ze arm rest? It’s for ziyech.
That’s tenuous Hakim.
It’s for Ziyech!
Moment of the weekend:
Ronaldo’s naughty schoolboy stare after the ref had gone to check out his Iranian face-cracking elbow. He was so busted. But because he’s a superstar, I’ve expect the ref thought, FIFA and Poots will cut my knackers off if I end Ronaldo’s World Cup here, so he gave him a yellow. Not before a little poo came out though, eh Ron?
Goal of the weekend:
He may have tattoos running up the back of his head, round his ears and into his sideburns, but Quaresma knows how to smack a ball with the outside of his boot. Cheeky one two and a dipping curler from outside the box that no keeps could save. He then proceeded to flap about on the floor for the whole of the second half, I guess because his shoes are too tight.
Today’s kidictions
Who’s going to win between Nigeria or Argentina?
3 year old: Argeria
7 year old: Who? Did you say Argentina? Say Argentina!
3: Argentina!
7: Yeah!
(sounds like it’s going to be a close one)