Wake Up Call
By Mark Daniell
23/06/2014
Well, the dream’s over but at least we woke up quickly. A sobering defeat of Italy by Costa Rica meant we couldn’t even delude ourselves into game three. Let’s face it though, all the evidence suggests we’d have leaked an early goal, pulled one back with a well worked move, gone on a suicidal onslaught and got caught on the hop to lose 2-1. The only difference now is that with nothing to play for we can safely expect a 5-0 demolition and a plethora of Costa Freaka! headlines.
If the Uruguay result has taught us anything it’s that the chat about GDP and population size means nothing. Uruguay have a population of three million. Let’s assume half of those are fat, a further half are ladies, and that the ages are evenly distributed, so that a seventh are in their twenties. That leaves 100,000 men from which to choose the squad. That’s less than the British army. And we lose to that? Now, I don’t really know what I’m advocating here, either England should play the army, or we invade Uruguay, but as things stand I think the latter makes most sense.
In the end though, there’s little merit in moaning about the influx of foreign players to the Premier League if we can’t figure out that a team from the smallest country in the competition is likely to have one good player who needs marking and a bunch of workmen who we should be able to pass. Now, I’m not going to bust anyone’s chops - Harry Redknapp’s nonsense about players not wanting to play for England is more about getting Harry Redknapp in the headlines than addressing any real issues - but I can’t help but wonder how England might have played with Terry and Cole in defence. Youth is great and all, but in defence experience is key. On the plus side at least we’re not sacking anyone and there’s a lot of potential in this team. Probably our only concern is an out-and-out striker, maybe Diego Costa can be persuaded to naturalise...
Meanwhile, I can’t decide if I want USA to do well or not. There’s something charming about the USA football team: they put their hands on each other’s shoulder during the anthem, like boyscouts, and they try really, really, really hard; but whatever they do, they’ll always be considered a bunch of nancies by most American men. For this reason, in spite of all the grassroots investment and their vast population reserves, they’re never going to threaten the world scene. So I can happily support them. And yet I’ve since discovered that I inadvertently cheer whenever someone scores against them (even Nani) which I can only attribute to the fact that they’re coached by Jurgen Klinsmann and I get too much delight out of watching Jurgen flap about in despair on the touchline. Now, thanks to last night’s 94th minute equaliser, we have the highly dubious situation of a draw suiting both Germany and German-coached USA for qualification. If I were Ghana I’d be a bit nervous about that. But I’m not Ghana, so instead I’ve put a fiver on the draw at 2-1. That’s easy money.
Lastly, you know what’s been bugging me about this World Cup (the greatest World Cup in living memory!)? The pre-kick-off team line-ups on TV. I’m not talking about the anthems, I’m talking about the little video footage of each player folding his arms as the formation is loaded onto the screen. Having seen this footage several times now, it’s occurred to me that there are three ways of folding your arms: a) both hands under the pits, which makes you look like a grumpy baby, b) both hands over the arms, which makes you look like you’re rocking a baby, and c) one hand in, one hand out, which makes you look like an unimpressed mother. I can only assume the players were ordered to fold their arms for fear of them doing something else that FIFA might have deemed offensive to other cultures. Say, for example, what Maradona did in response to accusations of jinxing Argentina's chances (Messi scored only once Diego had left the stadium): DM just flipped the bird at the camera and said: "jinx this!"