Wakey Wakey Africa

By Mark Daniell

29/11/2022

 

Preamble

The mouse has no idea what BBC was thinking when they put together their World Cup title sequence. It feels a lot like the sort of GCSE coursework kids would hand in to deliberately piss off the computer studies teacher. And we all know they have miserable enough lives as it is. At first I thought it was just the junk they use to present the evening highlights, like Conor MacNamara, because who the hell spends any money on the highlights? But it turns out this is the BBC’s offering for the whole World Cup.

Well the mouse says no. You don’t remix Guy Mowbray to an aggressive beat. Not even Guy Mowbray remixes Guy Mowbray to an aggressive beat. But someone told the BBC it’s “memeable” so now we’re all in the same boat as Guy’s wife, listening to him repeat himself aggressively until we leave.

I challenge Mr memeable to order a memeable bowl of pasta next time he’s in a restaurant and see what happens.

Amble

Serbia 3 – 3 Cameroon What a game. This is what World Cup football is all about. Crazy goals, crazy shifts in momentum, and the waferiest of wafer thin offsides. Now all Cameroon have to do is beat Brazil and they’re through.

South Korea 2 – 3 Ghana Inaki Williams chalks up the best assist of his career as he airshots when unmarked in front of goal. It’s ugly, it’s wild, it misses 99.9% of the ball, but the tiniest scuff means that when it carries on for Kudus to score the winner in a 5 goal frenzy, Williams gets his airsist. It’s a word.

Brazil 1 – 0 Switzerland The Original Ronaldo was in the crowd for this game with his old buddy Roberto Carlos, and he looked hefty. As Kevin Costner said to fake Marion when returning from the crusades, the years have been… kind. But maybe it’s a glandular thing, so we shouldn’t… Then Casemeiro slams home the winner, the camera cuts back and OG Ronny is dabbing a napkin to his lips. Maybe not glandular.  

Portugal 2 – 0 Uruguay You want to fall to the ground in football? No hands. You eating a cheeseburger? No hands. You want to tie your shoelaces? No hands. It must be a hard life for a VAR. I mean, how do they know how much shampoo they’re using?

 

Postamble

England Wales double header with Iran USA. Which to choose? Let’s be clear. England need to avoid losing by 4 goals to a Wales side that has scored a solitary penalty so far. So, of course, we all know how this plays out. 3-0 down in injury time, clinging on by the fingernails. Harry Maguire passes back to Pickford without checking and the ball rolls into an unguarded net. But it’s ok, because USA pull a last gasp equaliser out of the bag and we go through on goal difference. Classic England. Watch the Iran game.

 

Pundit-watch

Sam Matterface: “Bruno Guimaraes is loving life at Newcastle, although he was intimidated by a fan who had a tattoo of him on his face.”

Silence…

Lee Dixon: “What, his whole face?”

Sam: “I didn’t see it.”

You see, what’s happened here is that Sam and Lee have tried to freestyle some comedy but have forgotten that the only thing they fear more than silence, is comedy.

 

Kit of the Day

Brazil. It’s an iconic strip. As famous as international football itself. But of course it has to be reinvented every tournament, so a designer whatsapp group begins.

 

         Same colours?

                                                          Yes

         How about a button?

                                                          Ok

         Done. We’ll have by Tuesday.

         Same colours, button, little

         cat ears on the numbers.

         Got it.

              (designer left the group)

                       

Goal of the Day

The whole world, including Aboubakar, knew he was offside. So, of course, he was free to nonchalantly pull off the most nonchalant of scooped finishes and then wander off with the most nonchalant of non-celebrations. And then he was onside. The nonchalance stands.

 

Doppellëtter

Gareth Bale = Gary Blitter Gabriella Babatini The Great Batsby

 

Win Predictions

 

Ecuador v Senegal

11 year old: “Draw!”

7 year old: “Ecuador!”

Coloured Dice: Blue

 

The Netherlands v Qatar

11 year old: “Netherlands!”

7 year old: “Netherlands!”

Coloured Dice: Red

 

Iran v USA

11 year old: “Draw!”

7 year old: “USA!”

Coloured Dice: Yellow

 

Wales v England

11 year old: “England!”

7 year old: “England!”

Coloured Dice: Blue

 

England!

 

Tally

 

11 year old: -£3.55

7 year old: -£6.54

 

Opening up a lead