Death Of The Groups Of Death
By Mark Daniell
02/12/2022
Preamble
Groups of Death! Where would the World Cup be without them? Well, we’ll find out in four years, when the expansion to 48 teams means nobody will have any idea what’s going on in the groups, ever. The mouse will eat it, obviously, but just like reduced-sugar Coco Pops, each mouthful will be a pale reminder of what we’ve lost.
But while we’ve still got it… let’s crunch down on the Groups of Death! Belgium are out! But then they’ve got to get home and claim on the torched car insurance. Germany are out! But then they won it in 2014, so you know, give and take. Also the ghost goal… the mouse remembers…
Amble
Canada 1 – 2 Morocco Some unconventional and ill-advised rush goalkeeping from the very start of this game makes Canada a welcome addition to any World Cup in my eyes. Which is good, because they’re hosting the next one.
Croatia 0 – 0 Belgium Billed by no one as the football equivalent of Greg Rusedski v Mats Wilander at the Albert Hall, this turned out not to be the lolloping flop-about of past-their-prime sportsmen. Instead we got end to end action, VAR controversy and Lukaku hitting the post so hard, it stayed hit.
Costa Rica 2 – 4 Germany The instructions were clear: either win by 6 goals and knock Spain out, or lose and drag them down with you. The fact that Germany did neither suggests to the mouse that they must fancy Spain but haven’t got the courage to ask them on a date. Don’t worry though, Will Smith’s Hitch is available to help, and if that fails, he’ll punch Chris Rock as a diversion.
Japan 2 – 1 Spain Meanwhile Luis Enrique must be a fan of El Raton con Claves, because he followed the script to the letter. Of course, this now means he’s booked himself a Straits of Gibraltar derby with Morocco. What could possibly go wrong?
Postamble
It’s on everybody’s menu… Ghana v Uruguay, 12 years on: The Second Helping. In yesterday’s press conference, an unapologetic Luis Suarez dared Ghana to miss more penalties and lay the blame on him. The mouse suspects Luis might have a retirement plan to be the panel’s Mr Nasty on Ghana’s Got Talent.
Pundit-watch
65 minutes in, and Spain are a goal down.
“Nobody. Nobody saw this coming..”
Clive Tyldesley clearly doesn’t read the Mouse and Keys. Clive, did you type the wrong address into the mailing list or something? Not CliveAndKicking@btinternet.com ?
Kit of the Day
Belgium had tagged the word LOVE into the inside of their away shirt collars, but then removed it at FIFA’s insistence. No place for LOVE at a World Cup, ain’t that right FIFA? Luckily for Belgium, they’re out in the group stages, so no need for those away shirts anyway.
Goal of the Day
All of the ball must cross all of the line, is what they say, but what does that mean? ITV pundits struggled to fathom the concept, preferring to mutter conspiracy and foul play, but it helps to think of it as a fat man in a lift. Doesn’t matter where his feet are, if the belly protrudes into the lobby, the lift doors won’t close. And until they close, that belly’s still in play. Tap in Tanaka!
Doppellëtter
Granit Xhaka = Gary Xarlow Gordon the Xofer Gregg Xallace
Win Predictions
Ghana v Uruguay
11 year old: “Uruguay!”
7 year old: “Uruguay!”
Coloured Dice: Green
South Korea v Portugal
11 year old: “Portugal!”
7 year old: “Portugal!”
Coloured Dice: Red
Cameroon v Brazil
11 year old: “Brazil!”
7 year old: “Brazil!”
Coloured Dice: Yellow
Serbia v Switzerland
11 year old: “Draw!”
7 year old: “Switzerland!”
Coloured Dice: Black
Tally
11 year old: -£8.53
7 year old: -£4.11
Deeper in the red