Kane's Candy
By Mark Daniell
05/12/2022
Preamble
Well, that was exciting, and I know what you’re thinking, because the mouse is thinking the same thing: you’re thinking, never write off the Germans. Yes, maybe they did go out in the group stages, but they’re planning something. And you’re also probably thinking, four games into the knock-outs and no penalty shoot outs? That can’t be right. And yet here we are, into the quarters, and with one thought on our minds: never write off the Germans…
Amble
The Netherlands 3 – 1 USA The USA football team occupy a rare place in British minds, namely they are both American and the underdog, like pumpkin pie. And like pumpkin pie, you think, no thanks, then you try some and think, actually not that bad, but I won’t have any more. And you move on to the next course. This was almost ad verbatim Louis Van Gaal’s pre-game talk.
Argentina 2 – 1 Australia When he finally retires and they build a museum to him in The Line, the mouse suggests it includes a hall in which Professor Brian Cox endlessly narrates Messi’s astronomical career stats on loop. Also, the actor Brian Cox should be in the canteen, rough-talking any CR7 fans.
France 3 – 1 Poland This is a timely reminder that France have actually got some quite good footballers. And yet, both Giroud and Mbappe celebrated their goals by totting up their individual tally on their fingers. Could this me-first attitude present an Achilles heel?
England 3 – 0 Senegal In the olden days, Jordan was what we called Katie Price because it was easier. Fastforward to yesterday, and Jordans Pickford and Henderson take five minutes to turn the game around with a smart save and an assured finish. The mouse speaks for us all when I ask, what about that sliding doors alternate universe in which Katie chose Turkmenistan?
Postamble
Harry Kane is the eighth different goalscorer for England so far in this World Cup, which is a remarkable stat that should make other teams nervous. Luckily for us, the mouse has it on good authority (from undercover operative ‘la souris’ in Paris) that the French are acting all cocky-like and consider this one in the bag… Then again, they wouldn’t be France if they didn’t.
Pundit-watch
“It’s always going to be difficult to pick out someone who’s five foot seven and a half.”
Sam Matterface identifies the flaw in putting Phil Foden in police line-ups.
Kit of the Day
Senegal’s away kit brought to mind scenes from England v Cameroon in Italia 90. Which begs the question: just what are the Germans up to?
Goal of the Day
Bellingham to Foden! Foden to Kane! Kane takes a touch, and buries it! Football doesn’t get much more liquid than this.
Doppellëtter
Ivan Peresic = Isambard Kingdom Prunel Isabelle Puppert Ice Pube
Win Predictions
Japan v Croatia
11 year old: “Cro… no, Japan!”
7 year old: “Japan!”
Lab results: Croatia
Coloured Dice: Blue
Brazil v South Korea
11 year old: “Brazil!”
7 year old: “Brazil!”
Lab results: South Korea
Coloured Dice: Green
Tally
11 year old: -£8.54
7 year old: -£3.18
Not sure how much actual Lab time has been clocked