Knock knock
By Mark Daniell
03/12/2022
Preamble
Cameroon beat Brazil, but it’s not enough. Uruguay beat Ghana, but it’s not enough. South Korea beat Portugal, but can’t celebrate until their phones let them. Switzerland beat Serbia, actually that one works.
The final stages of the group rounds are a maelstrom of effort and despair. Is there a better way than this hodgepodge of goal-difference and card counting to know which country gets to the fabled Round of 16? Yes! Says the mouse. All you need do is cut the Round of 16 into two equal pieces and give half to each party. Then, whichever team says, no! you cannot do that to the Round of 16, let the other team have it! gets to go through, because truly they are its mother, and they deserve the spot.
Ghana are really going to have to work on those Uruguayan penalties, mind you.
Amble
South Korea 2 – 1 Portugal At least three times the mouse heard pundits punditting “this second rate side will be more dangerous, because they’ll be hungry to catch the manager’s eye.” Hungry, but less good.
Ghana 0 – 2 Uruguay Ghana have an away strip that nobody is talking about because they never got to see it in Qatar. Or maybe they did, in a Wendy’s. Still, they didn’t wear it yesterday, which disappointed the mouse who’d been looking forward to it since the start of the tournament. Fun game though.
Serbia 2 – 3 Switzerland Switzerland scored, then Serbia scored; Serbia scored again and then Switzerland scored. Then Switzerland scored late. Then Cameroon scored. That’s what happened.
Brazil 0 – 1 Cameroon Yes, yes, very chic, losing in the group stages is all the rage these days. But don’t you forget who did it first. Argentina were there when it wasn’t even cool, and we liked the Rolling Stones with Brian Jones in.
Postamble
And we’re off to the knock-outs. No rest, no day off to watch that BBC documentary on Qatar workers (old news now) just more and more football. The appetite is whetted and the people want more! Apparently, there’s a Harry Maguire lookalike walking around the streets of Doha, but no one’s interviewed him on American TV. Turns out it was Harry Maguire.
Pundit-watch
Lee Dixon: “A goal now would change everything. For a period.”
Sam Matterface: “It would change nothing. Brazil would still win the group.”
Lee Dixon: “Well, there have been so many changes lately.”
I’m with Lee. Plastic notes, webmail, decimals… when will the changes stop?
Kit of the Day
Jaguar print sleeves on Brazil’s away kit? Yes please. Soft fade from neon green to Caribbean blue? Count me in! Little cat ears on the numbers? We’re sticking with that are we?
Goal of the Day
A goal so good, they send you off, Aboubakar nods home the injury time winner that keeps the indomitable in the Indomitable Lions. His ensuing strip show is enough to get him a red Valentine’s card from referee Elfath. Score!
Doppellëtter
Jordan Pickford = Jamie Pee Purtis Joe Poot Jilly Pooper
Win Predictions
The Netherlands v USA
11 year old: “Netherlands!”
7 year old: “USA!”
Lab results: The Netherlands
Coloured Dice: Blue
Argentina v Australia
11 year old: “Argentina!”
7 year old: “Argentina!”
Lab results: Argentina
Coloured Dice: Blue
France v Poland
11 year old: “France!”
7 year old: “France!”
Lab results: Poland
Coloured Dice: Green
England v Senegal
11 year old: “England!”
7 year old: “England!”
Lab results: Senegal
Coloured Dice: Black
Argentina! England! (just because he wears a lab coat, doesn't make him a technician)
Tally
11 year old: -£10.74
7 year old: -£3.47
No more draws…