Tarantino Quarters

By Mark Daniell

10/12/2022

Preamble

The other day, the mouse was quietly reading other people’s horoscopes on the train, waiting for it to leave, when a sweaty teenager raced through the gates and bundled his way on board. He checked the coast was clear, pulled the emergency alarm and scarpered down the carriage. Two minutes later a flustered conductor arrived and asked the empty seats what had happened. Silence. Then two other sweaty teenagers, both slightly fat, boarded the train, pink-cheeked and wheezing. “You two are lucky, we’re leaving two minutes late.”

There are times when time-wasting is the stuff of legend. Argentina might have learnt something from those sweaty teens last night. And I’m sure Jimmy G doesn’t need reminding of that game where Zizou scored twice in injury time.

Amble

Croatia 1 (4) – (2) 1 Brazil Neymar does nothing all game, then everything in 6 seconds. Even the mouse doesn’t understand football when that happens. If Brazil could fillet a prime defence with such ease, why not do so more often? And if Croatia can actually play football, why wait until the second half of extra time? They call it Tarantino football: unpredictable, a bit too long and ends in a shoot-out.

The Netherlands 2 (3) – (4) 2 Argentina This game could have finished 45 minutes earlier. We could all have slept more, had fewer grey hairs and banged the table a bit less. But no. Football decided that a 90 minute game should last 101 minutes, and that in the final 10 seconds, the world should do an emotional backflip. There is no scripted drama that provokes the fury / elation (delete where appropriate) of that 101st minute goal. Not even the Byker Grove finale.

Postamble

Well hello… What day is it again? I hope you’re not the sort of reader who is susceptible to superstition, or else today is going to be long and freaky. What were you wearing for the Iran game? Put that on. Didn’t you call your mum when we drew with USA? Let’s leave that call until Sunday, yeah? Which TV are you planning on watching it on tonight? No, no, no. You watch it in the kids’ playroom with the Paw Patrol puzzle, just like when we beat Senegal. Now, try to remember, was it an odd or even number of wipes before Wales? Try to remember!!  

Pundit-watch

“Neymar and co thought they’d won it. They had Croatia at checkmate. Well this bunch of Czech mates is a band of brothers that is never beaten.”

Is he working an elaborate pun on the Croatian red checked shirt? Or is Guy Mowbray racist? Doesn’t matter, it's fabulous.

Kit of the Day

When you’ve got a thing, roll with that thing. Brian Blessed knows what I’m talking about. And so do The Netherlands. Triple down on those orange shirts with orange shorts, orange socks and orange managers’ ties. Yes, says the mouse. What rhymes with orange? Why orange, of course!

Goal of the Day

With the clock ticking down into the magma of planet Earth, a freekick on the edge of the box, and the whole of Holland willing him to just hit it, the audacity of Koopmeiners to slot a pass, and the authority of Weghorst to tuck it home, was unparalleled. It made the mouse very, very cross, but it was very, very good.

Doppellëtter

Joao Felix = Jack the Fipper Jenny from the Flock Joe Fart

Win Predictions

Morocco v Portugal

11 year old: “Portugal!”

7 year old: “Portugal!”

Lab results: Portugal

Coloured Dice: Green

England v France

11 year old: “England!”

7 year old: “England!”

Lab results: England

Coloured Dice: Brown

Tally

11 year old: -£9.11

7 year old: -£3.75

England!